Friendship.

I know I am a good friend to those who I consider a friend of mine.  But friendship is built on trust. When you don't have that then what do you have?

I'm not proud, but I have gone through many people I  my life who I have called close friends.  And it seems like every year my list seems to get shorter and shorter.  I feel like when I lose a friend, either because of time or distance, I lose a part of myself.

But the beauty about friendships is that you always make new one.  The sad part is that I become cautious about it.  It's hard for me to trust now.  I try to keep my distance from people.  I just don't want to be hurt or betrayed by people anymore.

I don't think that I really have anyone in my life who I would consider my "best" friend.  To be honest I don't think anyone considers me to be theirs.  And that's completely fine with me really.  Because people that close to you can hurt you worst. And that something I just don't fancy.

Friends come and go, but the people who decide to stay constant in your life are no longer your friends. They become your family.  So if your one of those lucky few whom call family, dome fuck it up.  It's hard to win trust back.

Because I'm worth more than just to have people pass in and out of my life as they please.  And if you were truly my friend you would know why.

Just for you.

I might be nothing special to many of you.  But to a few out there I am their everything.  I am a friend, a sister, an aunt, a mother, and a girlfriend. And with very title comes a different aspect of my personality. But to every role I am loyal, loving, and supportive.

To my friends.
You guys are my family. Time has made us all drift apart.  But remember all the amazing memories and think of how all that made us into the people today.  Not one day goes by where I don't miss bar nights, movie dates, and shenanigans. We might make new friends in our journey through life, but never forget the old ones to helped along the way.

To my family.
We've had our difference.  That's a fact.  But I do wish with all my heart that whatever differences we all have and put them aside and have a gte together like a normal family for once. It's not impossible.  I just a great memory with all of you.

To my kids.
You guys are my world.  Thank you for being so brave this past year.  I couldn't have asked for better children.  You two have gone through so much, a divorce, two moves, and a new boyfriend.  You two deserve a wonderful Christmas this year and I'm thankful for finally being able to give it to you.  You guys are the ones who molded me into the strong person I am today.  You are the reasons why I try so hard everyday.  Just know that whatever I do, I do to give you a better life.  I'm truly sorry things didn't work out between me and your dad.  But think of things this way.  Now you have more people in your life to love you just as much as me.  Your going to have twice as many parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  So many people to love you. So remember you didn't lose anything. You've gained.

To my boyfriend.
You are the love of my life.  You make me happy everyday and there is never a moment where I do not feel loved by you.  There are going to be times where we argue or misunderstand eachother, but we will always get through it.  I am here for you just as much as you are here for me.  I can't help but gush about how wonderful you are to me, and my friends remind me everyday on how happy they are for finding someone who treats me as good as you do.  Thank you.  For everything that you are and for all that you do.  I honestly can't imagine my life without you. 

To my readers.
However many there are...thank you for choosing this blog to waste your time with.  Life as been crazy, full of ups and downs.  But sometimes is nice to know that your not the only one with problems. 

Wise Words.

Life will bring you down.  Fact.  But the thing about us humans is that we have the will to survive anything and everything that is thrown at us.

So for a very important person in my life who is going through a difficult time in her life I just want to say a few words.

YOU are a strong woman.  There is NOTHING in this world that can stop you from doing what you need to do in this lifetime to make it.  I've been there before, when you feel like your world is going to crumble because the life you have just last week is all you've ever know.

But it gets better.  Time heals most wounds.  You live today, and you'll live for tomorrow.

Just remember you have family and friends all over the world that love and care for you.  And one day you will find your "The One" and you will finally be happy.

Never lose you will to keep on moving forward.  I'm here for you.  Even if I'm hundreds of miles away.

I love you Cuz.  =D

Holidays.

Thanksgiving next week. Christmas next month.

Oh the Holidays...What a love/hate relationship we have.

I don't know what my deal is with the Holidays.  Maybe it's because I can only remember ONE Thanksgiving that was really awesome (the one at my sister's Sandara's house where practically the whole family was there) and the one Christmas that was worth remembering (the one at my brother Sokhan's house).

Maybe it's because during this time of year you are usually with family and I just don't really have any in Utah anymore.

It's probably because I'm homesick.

And the three days that it did snow in Utah it reminded me of Minnesota and how much I kind of miss it there.  Talked to my parent's on the phone and it just reminded me how much I love and miss them so much and that they are getting old and I wish I could spend some time with them.

But atlas...I'm here.  In Utah.

Maybe it's because since I've been back in Utah I've only had bad Holidays.

One Christmas I was accused of being a bad mother.  One Thanksgiving I cooked worked all morning...cooked all day and not get a simple "thank you for dinner" from anyone.  Another Thanksgiving people complained about the food because I wanted to try something different with my sweet potatoes.

The past three years of Holidays were the worst.  And maybe I'm just homesick because all my good memories are in Minnesota.

I guess that just means that with this new life of mine, renewed little family of mine, it's time to make new and better memories.

I still love the Holidays.  I love seeing joy and happiness all around me.  And maybe seeing and being the cause of all that joy and happiness is what the Holidays are all about.

But anyways.  Happy Holidays guys.  If I don't post very often it's because it's the busiest time of year and I'm lazy...Lol! But I will make it a point to at LEAST post something once a week.

And to my family who happens to be all over the US now...

I love you guys and miss you.  Regardless of all that crazy drama that seems to overwhelm our family.  Whatever the disagreement, whatever the betrayal, whatever....I still love ALL of you.  And if there was one wish that can make is that we all get together at least once before mom and dad pass away and take a family photo.  And I mean ALL of us. Because if there is one thing that I have learned this past year is that the meaning of life is family.  And you are all the many reasons why I am who I am today.

 

Father Figure.

November is the month that we all reflect on the things we are thankful for.  And honestly there is no one that I can currently think of who I am most thankful for right now.

And yes I am talking about my boyfriend. =D

This past weekend I was really frustrated with my Ex because it was his weekend to take the kids.  And well he didn't.  And the argument all started because I wanted to have a set schedule on pick up and drop off.  Well, apparently he had to work on Friday and couldn't pick them up till sometime Saturday   I guess it really wan't too much of a problem but it was just the fact that once again I had to accommodate to his schedule.

The thing is, is that the original agreement was that he takes them every weekend, Friday night till Sunday night.  And it's not like the reason why I want him to have the kids every weekend is so I can go out and party all the time.  One reason is for them to spend as much time with their dad as possible.  And another reason is so I can get caught up on some sleep and focus a bit with work since I work all weekend and on my days off I'm always up early with the kids and it seems like I can't ever get anything.  Like laundry....lol!

Anyways....

Him not taking the kids just makes me feel like he doesn't want them.  And if he has to work....well get a babysitter.  You KNOW you have your kids. Do what you need to do.  I have a babysitter when I go to work.  And I'm thankful that it's family too!  She does a lot more than just watches them too. Since I work early in the morning.  She gets my boy to school.  Feeds them, bathes them, and so much more.  I don't think I pay her enough for all shes done.  Point being is that people out there that know you need help understand and ARE willing to help.  And I'm sure he could find someone.

But why wouldn't you want you kids on your weekend?  Any dad out there would kill to see their kids.  So what reason would you have to opt out in seeing them?

But with all this pointless drama  I'm SO thankful Cam stepped in.  On what was supposed to be our weekend with no kids he watched them all weekend while I worked.  He didn't get much sleep, but he did it because he wanted to.  No words can express how this makes me feel.  When someone who isn't their biological father comes into these kids' lives and becomes the best father figure they could ever have.  And he doesn't just watch them.  He interacts with them. I can already see the difference in my son's behavior these past two weekends of being with him.

Yesterday my son said to us...

"Mommy, Cameron acts like our dad..."

I asked him if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He said it was a good thing. =D

How did I end up with someone who is not only so good to me but is also SO good to my kids?  I don't know honestly.  Sheer luck is my guess.

I'm just happy to have someone in my life and my kids' life that can show them what a true father is.  Supporting children isn't about just making money.  Supporting kids is about being there for them.  Showing that you care for them, no matter the distance between you or the time apart.  Being a parent is teaching them what it means to be an adult and taking responsibility for your actions.

Hard work does pay off.  But that doesn't just pertain to your job.  But to your family as well.  And I'm thankful for this little family I have now. Because without them, I don't know where I would be.

In Between.

My head is not in the game.  Why do I continuously stress over things I cannot control.  It's not my fault.  I have been more than just "nice".  I've been more than accommodating to you.

I'm done being nice.
I'm done being walked on.
I'm done being used.
I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
I'm done feeling like a failure.
I'm done stressing.
I'm done crying.

I'm better than this.
I'm a good person.
I'm a great mother.
I can handle this.
I'm doing more than my fair share.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.

You've made your choices.  Whatever you decide is up to you.  Just don't expect me to feel sorry for you after all of this.

And when the kids get older and they ask me WHY you weren't more active in their lives....

I'll just tell them that that's what you wanted.

And when they grow up and look at all the things around them...

They are going to thank ME for being there.  For supporting them. For breaking my bones in order for theirs to grow.

Being a true parent isn't just biological   Its all the in betweens that matter.

Pointless.

Sometimes I feel doing certain things are pointless. For me it's saving money.  I absolutely suck at saving money.  I managed to keep $600 in my savings account for 3 days.  That was the money I was planning on using to buy me a car.  I was just $400 away from it.

But then shit started to hit the fan and it's like one expense after the next.  But I guess its not really my fault.  I guess...

I just feel like I am incapable of moving forward.  Like no matter what I do nothing is ever going to progress in the direction that I want it to.

It's so overwhelming and I just don't know what more I can do.  I guess. I just have to keep trucking on.  Grin and bare it.  I just want to crawl in the covers and cry myself to sleep.   But I can't.  Have two hooligans  with me and I have to make sure they don't do anything they're not supposed to.  And I'm potty training one of them....

Told Liza that I would throw away her dress if she had an accident in it. Lol! Seems to be working.

Oh. And I FINALLY sent in the rest of the child support papers (finally is right).  Maybe that will help me out some.  I sick of giving him the benefit of the doubt.  Just wish I didn't have resort to it, but I deserve it.  I work to hard to not get anything for raising our kids by myself.

Ugh....

Well this blog was a little all over the place.

But I am a little scatter brained today.