Catch 22-Either Way I'm Still Screwed

We have all heard of the phrase "catch 22" and "double edged sword".  But if you happen to live in a world of sunshine and lollipops, it basically means that no matter what you do, your still screwed!  Or I guess a better way to explain this is being between a rock and a hard place.  So whatever decision you decide to make, its going to be wrong.

Now, if there was any reason why I would ever quit my job, it would be because of this reason.  I don't know, maybe its just me (which I know for a fact that it isn't) but sometimes I think that management in general have no idea what the crap they really want from their employees.  They tell you that your main priority is to make sure that the floor is full and looking nice and appealing BUT if you do not have the backroom all cleaned up and the load broken down your going to be talked to.  HOWEVER even if you go back there to do it you STILL get in trouble because there's no one one the floor...even if your by yourself.

Now I know that it is my duty to fill a certain area of the floor and break down the load in the morning.  But if I'm only allowed 6 hours to do it in stead of 8....doesn't that mean I wouldn't be able to finish it?  And its like....oh you only have 6 hours to do your job, however if you can, please cut some time in your day. Oh yeah....and you have to make sure all of it is completed.

Yeah...do you realize what you just said????  I'd like to say that I'm completely awesome at my job and I never make mistakes, but as cocky as I am. I know I'm not the best.  I just don't have the speed and the strength like everyone else to be able to do it all in 6 hours or less.  Not to mention even when they do it, it still looks like crap.  Oh and there's that other thing where I don't have as much as experience in the department has everyone else.  I think I'm allowed to get given some kind of slack.

I think what I really am getting at is that even though they say "just give it your best, because that all you can really do.." it's not true.  Because your best, isn't enough.  What they really want is THEIR best. Not yours. Yours doesn't matter.  Even the standard that they lay out still isn't good enough because they want above and beyond.  But you know what....I'm a little person god dammit! I can only do so much! Its not my fault that I'm short with no upper body strength!

And its not like I don't try.  I work very hard. Its just sometimes its nice to be told your doing a good job. Instead of "You need to do better".  Maybe a little humanity would be nice.....then MAYBE I'd want to step it up a but. Maybe....

Good (*Shitty) Old Childhood Memories

So I saw this picture today on Facebook and it honestly made me sad.  I wish I (1) could have grown up in an awesome family where you know....people loved you and didn't torture you every waking moment and actually stuck together. And (2) I wish the family I have now was just us. And no outer involvement of people CONSTANTLY inferring that I am a bad mother.

Lets start off with the first one.  Well, I'm the youngest of 7, 8 if you count the dead sibling.  Never met him and my parents refuse to talk about him so it doesn't bother me.  Anyways, not only was I the youngest and considered the "baby" of the family but when I got older I was bigger then everyone else.  I mean bigger as in I do not have the typical body type of an Asian.  I blame the fact that I was born in the United States and I actually had some kind of nutrition during my growth spurts.

Also, I wasn't really raised by my parents.  My mom and dad were in and out of the picture numerous time.  And its something that all of my brother and sisters would say.  My parents were breeders.  They would just have children and when they got to a point where one, they could just kick them out because they "acted like adults" or two, pawned them off to someone else.  I was the second one.  I ended up living with my eldest brother then I was about 10 or 11. And living with the dude was no bag of jelly beans either.

Growing up in his household was just plain terrible.  I was constantly ridiculed for my appearance, my taste in music...well basically everything that made me, me.   I remember that back then I loved reading books.  I could read a 1000 page book in one day.  And he would hate the fact that "I just sat there for hours doing nothing important....And I should be doing something more useful of my time like cleaning...."  Traditional mindset in an understatement.

I was told to have the best grades (and I'm serious when I say that an A- is UNACCEPTABLE), I had to be in the extra curricular activities that matter (so basically nothing fun...at all. Like FBLA.....*gag*), and no friends after school. Had to come straight home.  Now if you were lucky enough to be my friend back in the day, you would remember me constantly making up lies to my family in order to hang out.  Mostly it was after school study or library for a project.  If I was ever caught up in a lie, man I got the shit beat out of me. Or a lecture....that honestly was worse.

I just think that maybe if I grew up in a loving and caring family that maybe I would have turned out differently.  I set myself up for disaster...its because that's what I'm accustomed to.  Which is sad really.  And this is something that I do not want for my kids.  I want them to grow up happy and healthy.

However, it can be pretty hard trying to lay down rules when someone is CONSTANTLY undermining me. I feel as if I don't matter.  I mean, I work hard to bring back a crappy paycheck but I'm accused of being a bad mother because I work.  Or I'm considered a bad mother because I don't baby the crap out of my kid or allow them to sleep in my bed with me.  I'm sorry....I thought this was my bed...and my bedroom, oh yeah and I kind of life privacy too.

I don't know.  Pictures are nice to look at, and even though the people in the photograph may seem like a happy family...well pictures lie.  I mean, I can smile all I want, but it doesn't mean I'm truly happy.  Honestly, if you look real close and in my eyes you can see how sad and pathetic I feel.  I've just learned how to suppress my feelings.  Sad, but true.

"Done"

So dont't make fun. First time I have written any kind of lyrics in oh.....6 years?? So love it or hate it.  Let me know what you think! =D

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It has taken me a real long time

To finally come to this decision of mine

That I

Deserve a little a better

I know I seem a little confused

On how I and when I'm going to go through this door

I'm just waiting for it to open just for me

For me

I'm through

With everything you put me through

I'm done

I don't want to feel so lost anymore

So please just leave

Don't worry about me

I think I can take care of myself

For now

I dont need you to hold my hand

I know for a fact I'm better off alone

So just please

Try and understand me

I'm through

With everything you have put me through

I'm don't

With all your little petty games

So please just leave me alone

Are you happy now?

I finally have borken into a thousand pieces

And now all I'm trying to do is sew myself back together

It isn't has easy as it seems

How can I trust you

To hold my heart when I know that your just throw it all away?

I'm done

I'm just through

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Anti-Love Story Part 3

I think when you get to the point where your constantly telling all your friends and family that the guy your going to marry is "truly a nice guy", its time to stop lying to yourself and just break up.  And I'm not just talking about the guys that hit their significant others.  I'm, talking about the men your constantly defending because hes never working, or doesn't help around the house, or watching kids, and trust me the list can go on and on.  If he doesn't have any ambition to do anything with his life before you guys get married....what makes you think that hes going to change afterwards?

Wedding bells are definitively not the wake up call men respond to in order for them to get their life on track.  Honestly I don't even think there is a surefire way!  And I am not bashing on all men out there.  Mostly I am talking about this particular one, and of his kind.  Hard core gamers......AND most of them are the same.  They put the needs their guild, corporation, and or the tribe in their virtual world then the needs of his family.  Its really sad! and no amount of BOOB and get him away from the damn computer screen.  Oh man have I tried!! In fact, I think they ignore us on purpose just to fuck with us!

Anyways, kind of went off topic with that one.  I can elaborate on that at a later time....Because I've got some MAJOR opinions on it!

But back to what I was saying.....

After living with Chris' family for a year we ended up moving into my brother's house.  Which it was kind of better, but then not.  The place was cleaner and we basically had the whole basement to ourselves...but that was about it.   My family is very judgmental and very traditional.  They ABSOLUTELY did not like the fact that I was main source of income (also I was pregnant at the time and they thought that I should just quit my job and stay home....so not my style!) and he just didn't do much.

So for the good year that we were living with my family all that ever came out of my mouth was mostly making the dude look good.  Which isn't healthy at all.  I look back on it now and honestly I should have dropped him on his ass right then and there!  At least then I would have some kind of support from my family!

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if you feel like you have to cover for someone because basically they are a lame ass....Then whats the point of being with them?? All they are going to provide you is disappointment for the rest of your life.  So run....RUN AWAY AND NEVER RETURN.  Advice that I should have taken a long long time ago. And now it kind of feels too late and that I should just suck it up and deal with it as punishment for my lack of self love.  Because if I TRULY felt that I deserve better....I'd probably change it.  But look where I currently at.....At the same damn place I have been for the past 4 years.  Silly me.

Untitled

So I feel as though this is still unfinished. And there's that whole thing that I don't know what I should title it.  Tell me what you think!

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You act as if there is nothing worth fighting for
Even I sit out here in front of your door
All I ever really wanted was just for you to see
That there is definitively a different side of me

I know I act a little crazy
Every time you tell me maybe
But when I look into your eyes
My heart melts a little inside

Can't you sense that I'm slowly drifting away
I'm finding excuses to not find my way
Even though you know that all I am waiting for
Is for you just to give me a little more

I can put my life on hold
I just don't want to let you go
But I know that's a little selfish of me
And try to not let you leave

I feel that there is nothing I can do
To make you move
Closer to me so you can see
That what I really want is for you to choose me

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Anti-Love Story Part 2

I think its pretty funny when people ask me why I moved back to Utah.  Honestly its because I hate the cold.  And then your like "Wait....Utah is cold too".  Well buddy, when you experience -40 degree weather with 15 mph windchill....tell me that Utah is cold then.  But that was only part of the reason why we moved back to Utah. Mostly it was because I already had enough credits to graduate early and we really had no where else to go.  And moving into his mother's house was really our only option.

Our relationship was pretty good up until this point.  I mean, yeah he played games until the wee hours of the night but I didn't mind since it was after he came home from work.  And I was so busy with all my extra school activities (overachiever I know) to really care.  But then the moment we moved in with his family he like reverted back to his 13 year old self where he could do no wrong and always get his way.  Mamma's Boy was such an understatement! 

And then there's that whole racist crap.  Oh yeah...did I forget to mention that his dad side of the family immigrated from East Germany??  And I'm not saying that everyone from Germany is a raciest, I'm just saying that on Christmas Eve, if your family is doing Hitler impressions while there are brown people in the room is HIGHLY insensitive.  I kept thinking to myself, "But I'm Asian!!! We were technically on your side....yeah it was a different kind of Asian but we can pretend!" That had to be one of the more awkward even in my life.  

Anyways!  Looking back on it now there were so many events that his family commented something about me, or implied, and whatnot.  And not once did he ever defend me.  It think that was one of the most annoying thing!  Its like, dude some of my family didn't like you.  But every single time I defended you.  Basically make you look better and forced my family to give you the benefit of doubt.  But he never did. So I had to basically take all the social awkwardness that was dished out to me. 

One of my favorites is during our first Christmas (something strange always happens on Christmas) his Grandparents APPARENTLY didn't know my name so all of my gifts weren't labeled.  All the tags were blank.  Another instance was when I was at the Home Depot with his mother and my Son and we ran into her friend from where ever.  Well, this is how I was introduced. " Oh and this is my grandson's mother.  You know, Chris' Girlfriend."  Its like taking a cigarette to the eye.  I was so insulted you wouldn't even believe.  Especially since my parents always considered us to already be a married couple.  Even when I had an engagement ring on my finger I was never call Chris' fiancee, I was just "Little Chris' Mom".  Lovely right?

I mean, I understand that we you first join a family it can be hard.  Especially if it is because of a child out of wedlock.  But really people, its the 21st century! Get with it! Marriage is overrated and honestly its just a piece of paper that allows women to change their last name to something else for free.  But I should have taken the hints from his family that no matter what I do and what I say I am never going to fit in their perception of what they think is the perfect family.  It can be hurtful to no be accepted, but then do I really want to part of a family full of Nazi sympathizers??   

Anti-Love Story Part 1

Growing up as young girls, it is embedding into our minds that we all must find our knight in shining armor, Prince Charming, or our Hero.  And then you grow up and realize that there's no such thing as the "perfect man".  I am terrible at relationships.  Apparently I am way to needy. You know, I need him to get a job, help clean the house, do the laundry, cook me dinner for once, and not spend a century on his computer games.  But most of all I need him to have some kind of ambition in life.

Getting married was probably the worst thing that I could have done. Actually, being in a relationship is probably the worst thing I could have done in my life.  And I'm not just bashing the Husband either.  I'm the not the kind of personality that should be tied down by ANYTHING.  I'm a free spirit and I really do not listen to anybody.

But the relationship was doomed from the beginning. First off, we started dating in the 8th grade.  Big mistake. Because dating in junior high and high school is not really dating.  You write notes to each other, walk together in between classes, and barely see each other out side of school.  So in the long run, you just know only on side of 12 sided dice.  And no its not love, its hormones and chemical imbalances in your brain.  I promise you, they made a whole (actually its multiple) episodes of Bones on the subject.

Second, we had lots of unprotected sex and I got pregnant at the age of 15.  Now, teen pregnancy is the #1 cause of failed relationships.  That's not an actual statistic, but I would like to believe that it is correct! Mostly from personal experience.  But after I got pregnant and we told both sides of the family I got shipped off to live with my parents in Minnesota because the family member I was living with didn't want to deal with it.  Don't blame him! Hell, if my kids got pregnant young; first I would beat their asses, second make them and their "Partner in crime" get a job and if they are living under my roof...you best be paying me rent! That's probably not going to happen but I can see my my former brother would kick me out.

So the whole reason why I got shipped off is because his parents didn't want to take me in.  Mostly because his family thought I was the biggest skank-bag in the world.  But that was the beginning of so many trials.  After I was moved to Minnesota and Chris being in Utah and my due date was in July, the plan was that he was going to spend the summer with me.  Well, his mother being so supportive of us only scheduled him to be there for 2 weeks.  Lovely right? Well, obviously her plans fell through because my son was born shortly after Chris came and he made a wonderful call to his mother telling him that he wasn't going back to Utah.

This is probably one of the ONLY times Chris has ever stood up for me, our son, and himself against his mother.  I do not know what it is with men and their attachments to their parents.  Understandable when they are children, but as grown men.....Hey! Your balls dropped already.

Anyways, things were pretty good after that. Until he dropped out of school, we got kick out of my parents, and we decided to move back to Utah. Living with his family........


CLIFFHANGER!!!!!

Prayers for Jeremy

Hey guys! This is Jeremy, Chaunce Shrewsbury and Toshia Marie Shrewsburynewborn son. He was born yesterday, but because of complications he had recently underwent open heart surgery. I may not be a very religious person, but because my friends are, I'm asking you to keep both Jeremy and his parents in your prayer, hearts, and minds. He stable now but this little fighter still has a long road ahead. Congratulations to my very close friends on their little boy. Times will be rough, but I know all of you can pull through. Love you guys! ♥

Practice?? Not no more!

Okay, I am a firm believer in the fact that the father should take their son to all of their sportsy type functions and practices and whatnot. Also to encourage them to never quite and help them become a better player and a better team mate.  Well apparently not my kid's dad!

I'm not going to lie. My son is a TERRIBLE listener.  And the only person he really listens to is me. That's because dude knows who's TOP DOG. Yeah that would be me.  But the whole point in giving the local high school $40 is to teach the boy all that manly team sports type shit.  And the dad is suppose to support their son.  Well, guess not.  My kid's dad quit on my son.  Father of the fucking year I'd say.

I just irritates me. The child needs direction, that is the whole point in putting him into these kinds of things.  And it just annoys the SAGGY BALLS out of me that he is just going to up and quit on his own child.  Remember what I said about wanting to go back in time?? Well this be one of the MANY reasons why I want to.  Some kind of messed up bull shit.  Just because you have daddy issues my dear...doesn't mean you have to pass it onto your offspring.  Just saying.

Another thing. Have some ambition for something other than video games. And seriously, I have a feeling that the reason why he doesn't want to take my kid to practice is because that's 2 hours taken away from his precious "game time".  Because you know, dude doesn't have a job and can't find time to play otherwise.

Whatever man. Banana OUT!

Beginning of the END! Just kidding....

Yay! First post! And for starters I just like to say a few things about myself.

I'm a BANANA! I'm a Banana! I'm a BANANA!!!!! (You have to sing it in order to understand it.)

Okay, now that I got that out of my system.  I just like to explain why I am a freaking awesome banana (also a little get to know me kind of thing).  First, I'm Asian, you can't be a banana unless you are! And everyone knows that Asians are the best! Right?? Yeah I thought so ! You totally agree! ^_^ Second, I was raised to be white.  Its true, I'm first generation Asian-American (Cambodian to be specific) and I barely know the language and I am everything that you would expect a crazy drunk white chick would be with a hint of Ghetto.  That's because I'm all WEST SIDE!!!

My occupation you ask? Like you really care BUT I'm telling you anyways! I work with fruit all day.  And no I am not talking about gays.  I'm talking about fucking fruit and veggies!   I work in a grocery store in that produce department! AND LET ME TELL YOU!  People who eat the food there without washing it first....GROSS. Do you realize how many times I dropped those grapes on the floor?? And just think of how gross and dusty the trucks they transport the food....Yeah not recommended!  My boss happens to be this half white, half Japanese dude (who happens to be freaky tall might I add) who likes to call me a communist! And no I am not a communist! I just believe that I'm always right and you should just do what I tell you without any questions!

Whats my home life?? Well, I'm a mother of two little half breed children, which are more like mutts than half breeds.   One is 5 the other one is 2.  I got one of each, the boy being the older.  I was thinking about having another one so I could have one of each but then I was like...."I'm not a very good mother type. So I think I'll pass....maybe one of them will be gay! I'm cool with that!"  Oh and p.s. I'm 22, so you do the math.  Yeah I had kids young and then I was stupid enough to marry their father.  I don't recommend getting married. Period,  Its stupid and a waste of time, money, and energy. I personally like fucking around, going out, getting drunk.  You know, the normal shit 22 year olds do on their spare time.   It would be nice to go back in time and tell myself to not be such a fucking skank and not get pregnant...but what can you do?

So what are these blogs are going to be about? Dude, fuck if I know!  Probably me ranting on about some dumb shit and it's probably going to be very entertaining to you.  Make you feel that your life is MUCH BETTER than mine and then prevent you from stabbing yourself in the eye. HEY DUDE! I TOTALLY SAVED YOUR LIFE!! Now pay me. Seriously. It would be awesome.

Anyways, stay tuned for more awesomeness!

BANANA OUT!