Good (*Shitty) Old Childhood Memories

So I saw this picture today on Facebook and it honestly made me sad.  I wish I (1) could have grown up in an awesome family where you know....people loved you and didn't torture you every waking moment and actually stuck together. And (2) I wish the family I have now was just us. And no outer involvement of people CONSTANTLY inferring that I am a bad mother.

Lets start off with the first one.  Well, I'm the youngest of 7, 8 if you count the dead sibling.  Never met him and my parents refuse to talk about him so it doesn't bother me.  Anyways, not only was I the youngest and considered the "baby" of the family but when I got older I was bigger then everyone else.  I mean bigger as in I do not have the typical body type of an Asian.  I blame the fact that I was born in the United States and I actually had some kind of nutrition during my growth spurts.

Also, I wasn't really raised by my parents.  My mom and dad were in and out of the picture numerous time.  And its something that all of my brother and sisters would say.  My parents were breeders.  They would just have children and when they got to a point where one, they could just kick them out because they "acted like adults" or two, pawned them off to someone else.  I was the second one.  I ended up living with my eldest brother then I was about 10 or 11. And living with the dude was no bag of jelly beans either.

Growing up in his household was just plain terrible.  I was constantly ridiculed for my appearance, my taste in music...well basically everything that made me, me.   I remember that back then I loved reading books.  I could read a 1000 page book in one day.  And he would hate the fact that "I just sat there for hours doing nothing important....And I should be doing something more useful of my time like cleaning...."  Traditional mindset in an understatement.

I was told to have the best grades (and I'm serious when I say that an A- is UNACCEPTABLE), I had to be in the extra curricular activities that matter (so basically nothing fun...at all. Like FBLA.....*gag*), and no friends after school. Had to come straight home.  Now if you were lucky enough to be my friend back in the day, you would remember me constantly making up lies to my family in order to hang out.  Mostly it was after school study or library for a project.  If I was ever caught up in a lie, man I got the shit beat out of me. Or a lecture....that honestly was worse.

I just think that maybe if I grew up in a loving and caring family that maybe I would have turned out differently.  I set myself up for disaster...its because that's what I'm accustomed to.  Which is sad really.  And this is something that I do not want for my kids.  I want them to grow up happy and healthy.

However, it can be pretty hard trying to lay down rules when someone is CONSTANTLY undermining me. I feel as if I don't matter.  I mean, I work hard to bring back a crappy paycheck but I'm accused of being a bad mother because I work.  Or I'm considered a bad mother because I don't baby the crap out of my kid or allow them to sleep in my bed with me.  I'm sorry....I thought this was my bed...and my bedroom, oh yeah and I kind of life privacy too.

I don't know.  Pictures are nice to look at, and even though the people in the photograph may seem like a happy family...well pictures lie.  I mean, I can smile all I want, but it doesn't mean I'm truly happy.  Honestly, if you look real close and in my eyes you can see how sad and pathetic I feel.  I've just learned how to suppress my feelings.  Sad, but true.