Holidays.

Thanksgiving next week. Christmas next month.

Oh the Holidays...What a love/hate relationship we have.

I don't know what my deal is with the Holidays.  Maybe it's because I can only remember ONE Thanksgiving that was really awesome (the one at my sister's Sandara's house where practically the whole family was there) and the one Christmas that was worth remembering (the one at my brother Sokhan's house).

Maybe it's because during this time of year you are usually with family and I just don't really have any in Utah anymore.

It's probably because I'm homesick.

And the three days that it did snow in Utah it reminded me of Minnesota and how much I kind of miss it there.  Talked to my parent's on the phone and it just reminded me how much I love and miss them so much and that they are getting old and I wish I could spend some time with them.

But atlas...I'm here.  In Utah.

Maybe it's because since I've been back in Utah I've only had bad Holidays.

One Christmas I was accused of being a bad mother.  One Thanksgiving I cooked worked all morning...cooked all day and not get a simple "thank you for dinner" from anyone.  Another Thanksgiving people complained about the food because I wanted to try something different with my sweet potatoes.

The past three years of Holidays were the worst.  And maybe I'm just homesick because all my good memories are in Minnesota.

I guess that just means that with this new life of mine, renewed little family of mine, it's time to make new and better memories.

I still love the Holidays.  I love seeing joy and happiness all around me.  And maybe seeing and being the cause of all that joy and happiness is what the Holidays are all about.

But anyways.  Happy Holidays guys.  If I don't post very often it's because it's the busiest time of year and I'm lazy...Lol! But I will make it a point to at LEAST post something once a week.

And to my family who happens to be all over the US now...

I love you guys and miss you.  Regardless of all that crazy drama that seems to overwhelm our family.  Whatever the disagreement, whatever the betrayal, whatever....I still love ALL of you.  And if there was one wish that can make is that we all get together at least once before mom and dad pass away and take a family photo.  And I mean ALL of us. Because if there is one thing that I have learned this past year is that the meaning of life is family.  And you are all the many reasons why I am who I am today.

 

Father Figure.

November is the month that we all reflect on the things we are thankful for.  And honestly there is no one that I can currently think of who I am most thankful for right now.

And yes I am talking about my boyfriend. =D

This past weekend I was really frustrated with my Ex because it was his weekend to take the kids.  And well he didn't.  And the argument all started because I wanted to have a set schedule on pick up and drop off.  Well, apparently he had to work on Friday and couldn't pick them up till sometime Saturday   I guess it really wan't too much of a problem but it was just the fact that once again I had to accommodate to his schedule.

The thing is, is that the original agreement was that he takes them every weekend, Friday night till Sunday night.  And it's not like the reason why I want him to have the kids every weekend is so I can go out and party all the time.  One reason is for them to spend as much time with their dad as possible.  And another reason is so I can get caught up on some sleep and focus a bit with work since I work all weekend and on my days off I'm always up early with the kids and it seems like I can't ever get anything.  Like laundry....lol!

Anyways....

Him not taking the kids just makes me feel like he doesn't want them.  And if he has to work....well get a babysitter.  You KNOW you have your kids. Do what you need to do.  I have a babysitter when I go to work.  And I'm thankful that it's family too!  She does a lot more than just watches them too. Since I work early in the morning.  She gets my boy to school.  Feeds them, bathes them, and so much more.  I don't think I pay her enough for all shes done.  Point being is that people out there that know you need help understand and ARE willing to help.  And I'm sure he could find someone.

But why wouldn't you want you kids on your weekend?  Any dad out there would kill to see their kids.  So what reason would you have to opt out in seeing them?

But with all this pointless drama  I'm SO thankful Cam stepped in.  On what was supposed to be our weekend with no kids he watched them all weekend while I worked.  He didn't get much sleep, but he did it because he wanted to.  No words can express how this makes me feel.  When someone who isn't their biological father comes into these kids' lives and becomes the best father figure they could ever have.  And he doesn't just watch them.  He interacts with them. I can already see the difference in my son's behavior these past two weekends of being with him.

Yesterday my son said to us...

"Mommy, Cameron acts like our dad..."

I asked him if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He said it was a good thing. =D

How did I end up with someone who is not only so good to me but is also SO good to my kids?  I don't know honestly.  Sheer luck is my guess.

I'm just happy to have someone in my life and my kids' life that can show them what a true father is.  Supporting children isn't about just making money.  Supporting kids is about being there for them.  Showing that you care for them, no matter the distance between you or the time apart.  Being a parent is teaching them what it means to be an adult and taking responsibility for your actions.

Hard work does pay off.  But that doesn't just pertain to your job.  But to your family as well.  And I'm thankful for this little family I have now. Because without them, I don't know where I would be.

In Between.

My head is not in the game.  Why do I continuously stress over things I cannot control.  It's not my fault.  I have been more than just "nice".  I've been more than accommodating to you.

I'm done being nice.
I'm done being walked on.
I'm done being used.
I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
I'm done feeling like a failure.
I'm done stressing.
I'm done crying.

I'm better than this.
I'm a good person.
I'm a great mother.
I can handle this.
I'm doing more than my fair share.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.

You've made your choices.  Whatever you decide is up to you.  Just don't expect me to feel sorry for you after all of this.

And when the kids get older and they ask me WHY you weren't more active in their lives....

I'll just tell them that that's what you wanted.

And when they grow up and look at all the things around them...

They are going to thank ME for being there.  For supporting them. For breaking my bones in order for theirs to grow.

Being a true parent isn't just biological   Its all the in betweens that matter.

Pointless.

Sometimes I feel doing certain things are pointless. For me it's saving money.  I absolutely suck at saving money.  I managed to keep $600 in my savings account for 3 days.  That was the money I was planning on using to buy me a car.  I was just $400 away from it.

But then shit started to hit the fan and it's like one expense after the next.  But I guess its not really my fault.  I guess...

I just feel like I am incapable of moving forward.  Like no matter what I do nothing is ever going to progress in the direction that I want it to.

It's so overwhelming and I just don't know what more I can do.  I guess. I just have to keep trucking on.  Grin and bare it.  I just want to crawl in the covers and cry myself to sleep.   But I can't.  Have two hooligans  with me and I have to make sure they don't do anything they're not supposed to.  And I'm potty training one of them....

Told Liza that I would throw away her dress if she had an accident in it. Lol! Seems to be working.

Oh. And I FINALLY sent in the rest of the child support papers (finally is right).  Maybe that will help me out some.  I sick of giving him the benefit of the doubt.  Just wish I didn't have resort to it, but I deserve it.  I work to hard to not get anything for raising our kids by myself.

Ugh....

Well this blog was a little all over the place.

But I am a little scatter brained today.

Pointless Addiction.

Alright.  We are all guilty of this.  Everyone at one point in time, for however long, as fallen victim to a Facebook game.  It's so stupid and yet so addictive that it's not even funny.  I've probably gotten addicted to like 10 games over the past 6 years or so....I think that's about how long I've had a Facebook.

And now I have fallen victim to the most recent Farmville.  Stupid. Stupid. Farmville.

You have to admit....My farm looks AWESOME! Lol!

Why the hell is this shit so addicting? I don't understand why?  It's like the dumbest thing in the world and it's either you love playing the shit or you hate it and make fun of people who do.

I honestly don't know how long I have been playing this game, but I'm fucking crazy.  I will wait until the last thing has grown, then plant new shit so it's ready to pick the next morning.  AND I will time it so I have the longest growing shit is just barely planted before I level up so I can replant stuff that instant.

CRAZY!

And there are FAR more crazier people than me when playing this game.  Like adding random ass people to your Facebook so you can get more free stuff and level up quicker.  It's absolutely insane.

So why are we so addicted to Facebook games?

I guess it really makes sense.  We're on Facebook all the time...and while we are waiting for shit to happen or people to post random ass shit...we are playing Farmville because we have nothing better to do with our lives.

I'm pathetic.  I will admit to that.

Or I'm just really bored out of my mind and I'd rather play Farmville than go back to playing WOW.  World of Warcraft to all those n00bs out there.

........
Must
Tend
To
My
Animals
!!!!!!


GAHHH!!!!

Click.Click.Boom.

I think the world likes to see me struggle in life.  Otherwise, why would it continuously shit on me?  I do not think there has been a moment in my life that has been super easy.  And yes I know, what doesn't kill you now only makes you stronger.  But really....REALLY LIFE? Can I just have one day off from complete bullshit?

I'm not sure when all this bad luck started, but I'm thinking it was when the pipes got clogged and our bedroom flooded.  Woke up at 4 in the morning to Cam swearing up a storm.  That wasn't fun. And every time I tried to help she seemed to get even more pissed off. So I just sat in the other room.

And the fucked up part about that WHOLE situation was that the girl upstairs who stays here every now and then knew that it was flooding but didn't tell anyone.  She just ignored it.  She could have prevented the whole thing if she would have said something...or stopped the fucking washing machine.

I should have called the plumber right then and there.  Then I wouldn't of had to deal with minimal water use for a week.

And what really adds to the stress is that we basically got it all under controlled...our bedroom floors were dry and smelling good (because I put down some deodorizer which I happened to be allergic to..that was wonderful) and then someone thought it was a great idea to run the dishwasher at night.

It's like, dude. You serious?

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T RUN WATER! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING THE FUCKING DISHWASHER? USE FUCKING PAPER PLATES!

Smh....

Well, at least today is my day off and the plumber is on their way. At least that's one stress being taken away. Until I see the bill. Oh god....

*Update*

$300 down the drain.  Literally.  They were nice enough to put their camera down the pipes for free and the pipes are slipping apart.  One of the "slips" is about 2 1/2 wide.  Which means it could cost around $8000 to fix.  Ball park estimates.  It costs so much because they would have to dig up the pipe and just fix the whole damn thing.  Ugh...well. Hopefully it won't clog up again. And if it does, lets hope I'm still not living here.

Come on tax season.  Give me my refund so I can start looking into getting a house. Renting of course, but still. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about these kinds of things.  Land lord can deal with this shit.  Because the next time this ever happens, it better be my own house.

Saturdays.

I've had a lot of up and downs lately with my emotions.  I don't know whats going on.  But one thing that I can count on are my wonderful Saturday nights.

I remember a while ago (like a long long time ago) I basically did not have a social life.  It was pretty pathetic .  Like stay home by myself watching YouTube videos about random ass shit.  And now, I actually have fun around people I never would have thought I would be hanging out with back in High School.

But that is life. Takes you on some serious wild rides.

Beer Pong. Best Invention Ever.