Alone.

So I've never really been alone.  And not just home alone.  But just alone.

It's very much an odd feeling for me.  But I will get used to it, or maybe I will find someone to fill up this void that I currently feel.

Since I was basically 14 years old, I've always had him.  And I know that all I have are my kids.  Yes I love my children. But there is a different feeling you have when it's your companion.

Someone to go home to when you get back from work.  Someone to listen to you when you talk about unimportant things.  Someone to just hold you.

It really does suck.

I get to watch my all my friends be in love.

I hate it, but in the end it will be good for me.  Because when I do end of finding someone that can deal with my special kind of crazy I'm going to appreciate it.  Never take it for granted.  And maybe be a little bit more open when it comes to love.

So alone I will be. For now.

Accident Prone.

I swear I am the most clumsiest person in the world.  I hurt myself at work almost hourly, its actually really pathetic.  It's actually gotten so bad that now people (well, mostly just my boss) calls me a pirate just because of the fact that I hobble around or limp when I walk.

That nickname started last week when somehow I hurt my knee and it swelled up three times it's normal size and I couldn't bend it.  It was sad but super funny.  And the crazy thing is that I had no idea what the crap I did to my knee for it to swell up so bad!  But I'm pretty sure that I hit it pretty hard on the metal rafter things in the cooler.  Go me right?

And now I have this weird bump thingy on my heel that really hurts when I wear shoes.  So all day today I was limping around work like a tard face.  >_<  

But even though I have all these injuries, I still go to work every day and I work much faster then the guys.  Which is really sad.  I'm at like half speed and yet I get more shit done then all the boys.

Reasons why I am Boss. Yup! I rule!

Healing.

I find myself experiencing a plethora of emotions throughout the day.   And I hate it.   I know it's going to take some time to get over it.  Get over a few things actually because my failed marriage is only the first layer of my insanity....

But I'm happy.  As odd as it is I'm the happiest I have ever been in a very long time.  I know that there are going to be times where my emotions will get the best of me and I will cry. A lot.  Because as of current....I have not cried about anything.

I'm been frustrated....
Punching stuff...
Starting pointless fights with people.....
Lashing out.....

Normal crap.

But I haven't cried.  I haven't gotten to that point yet and I'm not how long it is going to take.  And I think that when I actually do get to that point I'm going to feel so much better about things.

It's hard...But I knew that from the beginning.  And it's nice to finally see him slightly move on.  Or at least realize that I'm moving on and actually being happy and not just content with my life.

But like everything else that has happened to me.....I will get over it.

I'm going to heal. And I'm going to be a much better and a much wiser person.  And honestly I'm very excited to see how much I grow as a person.  With all this happening to me I feel like I haven't experienced enough in life.  And I need to.  It's part of being human.

Notch.

Sometimes I just need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.  I try really hard to not wear my heart on my sleeve....But there are times when my feelings get the best of me.

I don't want to be that girl.  You know....the one that they say..

"Well.....Shes going through a lot...."

I know I went too far.  I know I shouldn't have gotten in your face.  But I just get so angry when I feel like there something there.  When you look at me or just when you are around me.  And then you start talking about her.

But I'll get over it.  Its not like we even had anything.  Just another notch on your bedpost. 

Love Me For Me.

Its been a week since I've been gone.  "Single" basically.   Which it has been really nice.  I need this time right now to love me for who I am and not try to change myself for whoever I am with.  I don't plan on being with someone for a very long time.  I don't need that kind of stress.

And there's that fact that I work way to much and I had two kids.  So I really do not have time to play the field. Nor do I really want to. Dating is a game that I really have NO experience.  And I'm not really sure if I want to.  But I'm told that its something that I should try.

Words from a wise friend.  "Just fuck everyone."

Yeah....I don't think so. Maybe if I was LOOKING to contract some kind of STI.  >_<

But what I really want to do is just spend this time to get to know myself.  It sounds really stupid but I don't know who I am.  I've spent so much time trying to be someone else that I have just lost what makes me, me.

I wasn't really fair to myself and now I want to make that time for me.  Some people may call it being selfish, but I think it is going to be one of the best experiences that I can ever live.

So lets all be prepared for a new era.  New beginnings for me.  Are you ready for some major ups and downs and complete turn arounds??

Lost.

I don't think that I have ever felt so lost in my life.  After today, after all that was said and done I found myself not knowing what to do next.

I am the person with the plan. The one who always wrote down the "to do" list. I have never been the one to say "What now?...."

So really....What now?  What are the steps that I need to take?  What are the feelings that I am supposed to have? I feel so numb from everything.  Having so many emotions wash over me in one day has just exhausted me to the point that I just don't know.

And that's a feeling that I do not like.

Honestly, what are the feelings are you supposed to have when you decide to leave the person who was supposed to be your soul mate?

One thing is for sure is that I know I am not ready to be in another relationship for a long time.  I am not emotionally capable to love someone other than my children.  I am enjoying being their mother and fully giving them the attention that they defiantly deserve.

I feel so bad that I didn't give them my full love and devotion to them from the beginning.  It has taken me almost six years to realize that my son is just one great child.  And that is sad.  He is a good kid and not as much as a hellion that everyone tells me that he is.  So shame on them for not ever seeing the good in that little boy.

And as for my daughter.  I love her with all my heart. Even when she gets so emotional about the dumbest things.

My kids are my life.  And maybe that should be my first step.  To love them with all my heart and to watch them grow.

The right man will one day find his way to my doorstep.  But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not ready  for it.

I just want to not feel so numb and confused anymore.  Being so lost scares me. But maybe it is something that I just need to experience in life in order to grow as a person.

And I think that is something that maybe first on my list.

Understand and love yourself if you want someone to do the same for you.

Changes for the Better.

I have made the biggest step of my life. And I hope that I'm make the right ones.  I have done so much this past year. Both good and bad.   But with all those choices that I had made, most of them were not for me.  And I think it is about time that I do something for me. 

Its not going to be fun at first, nor will it be easy.  I will cry, have breakdowns, panic attacks, and outlashes.  But I need to have those.  I'm going to take my time to heal. Be to become a much better person in the end.  I diserve better.  I should have more.  Not because I think I am better than everyone.  But because I've work so hard to be the perfect wife and mother.  I put everyone before myself, and now I think its time to focuse on me.

I have my kids with me.  The most important people to me.  They are my life and no matter how much they drive me crazy they are the reason I stay so sane.  I will never leave them again and I wish I didn't wait so long to give them a good life.  I am truely sorry for not giving them the life they diserve.  But I'm truely trying now.

Now its a time for growing and a time for learning.  I don't think I will ever love again.  But I hope someday I will fine someone can show me what true love is. 

But for now, I think its time to learn to love and forgive myself.  There will be better days for me.