Lost.

I don't think that I have ever felt so lost in my life.  After today, after all that was said and done I found myself not knowing what to do next.

I am the person with the plan. The one who always wrote down the "to do" list. I have never been the one to say "What now?...."

So really....What now?  What are the steps that I need to take?  What are the feelings that I am supposed to have? I feel so numb from everything.  Having so many emotions wash over me in one day has just exhausted me to the point that I just don't know.

And that's a feeling that I do not like.

Honestly, what are the feelings are you supposed to have when you decide to leave the person who was supposed to be your soul mate?

One thing is for sure is that I know I am not ready to be in another relationship for a long time.  I am not emotionally capable to love someone other than my children.  I am enjoying being their mother and fully giving them the attention that they defiantly deserve.

I feel so bad that I didn't give them my full love and devotion to them from the beginning.  It has taken me almost six years to realize that my son is just one great child.  And that is sad.  He is a good kid and not as much as a hellion that everyone tells me that he is.  So shame on them for not ever seeing the good in that little boy.

And as for my daughter.  I love her with all my heart. Even when she gets so emotional about the dumbest things.

My kids are my life.  And maybe that should be my first step.  To love them with all my heart and to watch them grow.

The right man will one day find his way to my doorstep.  But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not ready  for it.

I just want to not feel so numb and confused anymore.  Being so lost scares me. But maybe it is something that I just need to experience in life in order to grow as a person.

And I think that is something that maybe first on my list.

Understand and love yourself if you want someone to do the same for you.