Well That Was Unexpected.....

Ever get a text message from someone and the instant you see the name flash on your phone you can actually feel the heat rising on your face and notice how hard your heart is pumping?

Yeah that was me today.

Finally when I start to just let it all go and come to peace with things. I get a text.

......Fucking bastard.

But what can you do?  Shit happens and people just decide that they want you in their life.  I don't feel special. Mostly, I just want to know what the hell is going on in their head.  Then again......LOL!

But you know. I do miss the conversations we had in the past.  It was mostly just stupid random shit that meant nothing.  But it was still nice.  A conversation is a conversation.  And I am a really talkative person.  I need social interaction.  Even if its via text message or facebook.

Now the real question is, do I let them back into my thoughts and my heart. Or should I just go along with this stupid game because its just going to end up like before.

I over think too much.  I should just go with the flow.

In Need of a Lengthy Vacation...

Last fall when I was in San Francisco.  Japan Town to be exact! 

I feel like an over worked robot. That's if robots can be overworked....Well I guess they can.  Worked until they break down. Which happened last month when I was admitted to the hospital.

But man this week has been killer on me!  I've worked every single day this week!  And I don't get a day off until Thursday.  It totally blows.  Why do people have to be so unreliable??  I mean, yeah I get it.  Shit happens.  But don't let it effect your job and make poor little ol' me work like a dog.

A sled dog. Always being forced to keep on going....

But what really gets me is that I should be in California right now! Tomorrow is my best friend's wedding and I'm going to miss it.  And it really sucks.

Hate my life right now.

Oh well, I guess its best for me to not be out of town right now.  Since I need the money anyways to get a new car and a new place.

Gah...........

Dear Liza.....

Dear Elizabeth-Paige,

Why on EARTH did you cut your hair?  I swear! You just want to look like a hobo child don't you!?  And it's already bad enough that your grandmother dresses you up in clothes from the 80s and 90s.  But now you have this ugly bowl hair cut that makes you look like your brother. >_<

Uuuggghhhh!! You make me so mad sometimes child.

You know what I'm going to do?  Take pictures of this hideous hair cut, blow it up, frame it, and hang it up in the living room.  So when your older and you start bring friends and boyfriends over to the house, they are going to see your stupid hair and make fun of you.

And when your 15 I'm cutting your hair super short while you sleep. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Serves you right for not listening to me when I say " DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR!!!!"


Love, Mom

Tough Girls Have Feelings Too You Know....

Why is it that when you stand up for yourself, don't take stupid shit from other people, and act tough....people forget that you still have feelings?

I can handle a lot, I really do (however I'm sure this blog doesn't depict that image of me).  And when I'm out with friends, I can play hard just like one of the guys.  But I think it's because I act that way they forget that I'm capable of crying.

So when you tell me that you just want to be friends because you like talking to me or because you value me as a friend.  Don't act surprised when I'm hurt and/or angry at the fact that you just basically threw me out on my ass and act like I do not exist.

It hurts the worst when you just ignore me.

But I get it.  Apparently your going through hard times.  But isn't that what friends are for?  To be there for each other and talk to one another for comfort and support?  At least that's what I thought friends do.

And, yeah we have a past.  But you already put a stop to that.  Which I completely understand.  Just don't act like none of it ever happened.  Its insulting for one.  But my feelings doesn't mean a damn thing to you now does it?

I'm a good person.  And I'm a good friend.

So lets look at it this way.  One less person I can not think about during my day and worry if they are doing alright in life.  One less person I can count on if I'm having a bad day and need to talk to someone and one less person I have to listen to when their world is falling apart.

Just one less person for me to love since obviously they do not love me back.

So really....is it a loss?

It just would have been nice for a little heads up for whatever the hell is going on.  I think I deserve a little explanation.  But maybe that's too much to ask for.  I know I'm a tough girl and I can handle it.  And eventually I will get over it and get over you.  But for now I'm just hurt.

Family of Mine.....How I Miss You So.....

I've been feeling a little home sick lately. I miss my family.  Maybe its because of the stress....the many different forms of stress.  And there the fact that I was supposed to go to California this weekend but that's not happening.

I don't know....I'm just thankful that I have some really awesome friends here that fill up the void.  I honestly do not know what I would do without them.  Probably have the biggest panic attack and end up shooting myself in the head.

Probably.

One of these day I'll go back to Minnesota and visit my parent. I miss them.  And I do feel bad about some of the things that went wrong in our relationship. But sometimes shit just happens.  I just wish they understand my side of the story and stop taking sides. Even thought they claim to not.  But whatever.

Maybe in a few years I will go.  Hopefully I'm not too late either.

Dear Christopher......

Dear Christopher-Derek,

First of all, I'm really sorry I gave you a dreadfully long name. And I also kind of wish I gave you my last name because, well, its better.  But you know, I was 15 at the time when I picked it out.  So can you blame me?  But I will promise that when your older and having kids of your own, hopefully you'll be at least 25, I won't make fun of any of the names you pick out for your kids. Deal?

But I just wanted to tell you how much of a pain in the ass you can be.  Its already bad enough your turning 6 this summer and you make me feel super duper old.  But man don't you annoy the crap out of me!

I love you an all that good stuff, but man the more you test my authority...The more I yell. And when I tell you to clean your room....Clean it.  For hell's sake just do what I tell you in general!  I promise you I'll be a nicer person if you do.

Oh and stop slacking and do your homework. Why on hell kindergartners have homework is BEYOND me, but just do it. And don't complain to me or I'll make your sister beat you up.  And we both know that she can. And it's hilarious when she does and I'll post that shit on Facebook. =D

Love you!

-Mom

AmoxiKillin!

Tomorrow will be my last day on my round of antibiotics.   And let me tell you....That shit is not fun. However, I am pretty proud of myself for actually finishing the full bottle.  I used to be really crappy when I came to taking pills.  Even in gummy forms.  I'd always forget.

But being in the hospital for three days changes you.  Makes you really want to try super hard to get better.  And Honestly, I don't think I can handle being the hospital again.  And its not because hospitals are just plain creepy, its the fact that your there, getting poked and prodded and scanned....and yet they still don't know whats wrong with you.

Not to mention the bills are INSANE!

So far....All my medical bills before insurance it was a total of $25,119.42.  Thankfully I have AMAZING insurance and I only have to pay $1,077.09

But what can you do?  Gotta stay healthy!  That's proabably why I've been so good about taking my medication.  Less chance of me having to pay another grand to be in the hospital! >_<

Road Block.

I think I'm finally regretting turning the job down in Arizona.  It would have been such a life changing event.  But what really would I have done if I did take it?  I have no car and every penny I had went into trying to fix that shitty ass van.

God I feel like I made so many mistakes in the past few months.

But what can I do now? Its too late to change anything now.  I just have to keep going forward.

But you know, it fucking sucks.  I hate how I always have to be brave and strong to keep moving forward.  When can I just break down and just give in?  Never. Because that just shows how weak I am and really....Who wants that?

Maybe I'm just tired.  I don't know.  I feel like a damn hamster running on a wheel. I'm going, but its to nowhere.

I don't know when things are going to start looking up.  Hell, I don't even think I ever will. I'm just the center of all things that go wrong.  At least in my personal life anyways.  I'm pretty good at my job.....

Well, not really. I still suck at ordering.  Maybe one day I'll get it together. Ha.

I wish.

I Am.......

Strange.
Witty.
Confused.
Outrageous.
Playful.
Hilarious.
Talkative.
Energetic.
Adventurous.
Crazy.
Narcissistic.
Spastic.
Aggressive.
Needy.
Whiny.
Spontaneous.
Beautiful.
Abnormal.
Rude.
Sarcastic.
Outspoken.
Strong.
Friendly.
Loving.
Brave.
Smart.
Peaceful.
 
Me.

I'm Pretty Sober For An Alcoholic.

I found out yesterday that I'm an Alcoholic.  

Apparently all my neighbors have been saying that I drink every night, party all the time, and spend lots and LOTS of money on booze.  

Its pretty funny because I haven't gotten PLASTERED drunk in a over a month. AND I actually haven't had a drink in about a month yesterday.  I think its mostly because I have issues with my liver and my over all health.  But you know, even when I was still able to actually drink I went out maybe twice a month.  Usually the weekend of my payday.  Because really....who can afford going out every weekend. 

But it's OK.  People talk shit about me my whole life, whats the difference with a few more people?  And for the WOMAN who keeps spreading the rumors?  You should really think about who you are talking to.  Because its all going to come back to me and I always find out what you say.

And be prepared to eat that Karma.  

I can deal with the Karma I receive.  But can you honestly think that you can?

P.S.

Apparently I'm not the one that needs to grow up.  Your the one that is still stuck in High School and is spreading rumors to all your stupid friends.  News Flash. Your 45 years old.  And have some self respect.  Because people don't respect and can defiantly see through you when you run your mouth the way you do. 

Two Wrongs and a Right.

Coaster From HELL!!!

It really feels like my life has been through the WORST roller coaster ride in just one week.  Maybe it's because of the rain is the reason why I feel so depressed. Or maybe it's because I know there is no way in hell I'm going to get through all of this and I just mind as well pull the trigger and get it over with.

But if I did that then you guys wouldn't have this stupid little blog to read when you have nothing better to do with you time.

First Wrong.

Monday night, which if you read my earlier blog my van broke down.  It was a shitty van to begin with but it still got me to and from work.  Well....Its gone for good.  And most of the current problems is because Chris is an idiot who thinks he can fix stuff.

News Flash! No your not.  So shut up.

I mean there was plenty of people that were willing to help with fixing up the van, but nope.  Like every man out there he had to be stubborn and try and fix it up himself.  And look where it got us.  No where with no car.  So I get to walk everywhere and ride the bus everywhere.  Yay me. I get to suffer because of that dumbass.

Second Wrong.

No internet.  Mild, but still. I live on the internet.  I do everything on it! And having to resort to using our phone to get the internet is pathetic! Considering that I feel like I'm running on dial up.  Yeah...and when I see the loading circle thing on my cursor all I can hear is the noise that dial up makes.

Yeah you 90s kids know what I'm talking about. Haunts me in my sleep.

I don't get it.  How can you not pay the damn bill on time?  Internet is a NECESSITY! At least for me it is.  That's because I'm spoiled. BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!!!

One Right.

Heard from the grape vine that I could be getting a promotion to be the Manager in Training.  The catch. Move to Arizona.   Its good, but like a morbid person as myself I would find it a very difficult situation.

There are so many reasons why I want to go, but there are as many reasons to stay.

Sometimes I don't know what I really am holding on to when it comes to Utah.

But if I decline the offer (if I even get the offer to begin with) I will have a chance of getting to become a manager in two years tops.  And I get to stay in Utah.  So I guess, either way, whatever path I choose to take (at least with my job) I will be moving up.  Which is nice.

One thing is for sure. I can defiantly handle my professional life better than my personal.  Which is really sad.

Anti-Love Story Part 4-Love Advice??

The other night when Chris and I went to the sushi bar, Ozzie (dude that makes the best sushi ever) asked us how long we have been married.  We told him that its going to be a year next month, but we've been together for 8 years.  Dude was really surprised.  

I think he was mostly surprised of the fact that we are so young and still able to make it work.

The thing is, I honestly do not know how its working.  Maybe it's just a malfunction of my being and that's the reason why I'm in a relationship that is a complete train wreck.  Or it could be the fact that I have never really know happiness for more than two seconds and just don't really know what I'm missing in life.

Anyways, I told him that in a relationships that have lasted basically more than three years, in order for it to work out just know that things will never get any easier.  If anything, it only gets harder.  And there is truth to that.

The longer you are with someone, you notice things about them that you never really noticed before and what do you know! They all bug the LIVING SHIT out of you.  But you have two choices.

One.  Ignore the issue.
Two. Dive in head first.

I recommend number two.  Because one, they can't read your mind.  If they could, well for starters your sex life would be AMAZING.  Just saying.

And if you just ignore the issue then its going to build up inside until finally one day you crack. And EXPLODE like a fracking volcano and then it makes you cheat on that person with an old friend from Jr high that you haven't seen in a while and your too drunk to really give a damn.  And you need a confidence booster because well, you feel fat that day.

OK so maybe the cheating part is just me.

What I'm trying to really say is don't suppress the feelings you have.  Because they are just going to bite you in the ass later and the problem won't be fixed.  You may be seen as a nag, but hey, at least your trying to fix the relationship by addressing problems (preferably sober) when they happen.

Oh, and relationships are hard. And it only gets harder.  I learned that the hard way.  And no matter what happens between me and Chris, I'm always trying to fix what we have.  I may seem like a lost cause, but you know I've invested a long time with him.  I should try.

Who knows, maybe we'll still be together 8 years from now.  Or 8 months from now we could separate. Again.

Stress. Stress. Stress.

Stalking people on Facebook (yes I stalk, otherwise whats the point?) I see everyone complaining about all the stresses in their life.  Some people I can definitely understand why they are so stress, and others?  Well, lets just say they are just privileged little kids that should really just shove it.

But I do get that they're different levels of stress that people can handle.  For myself, I can handle a LOT when it comes to stress.  But I think as of late, I've reached my breaking point.  No amount of sex and calm this tiger down.  Maybe a handful of tranquilizers though....Just kidding. After sex I'm like..."OK I'm done! BED TIME!"

My stupid van for the MILLIONTH time has broken down.  Honestly, there's only so much jimmy rigging one can do until the hose to the radiator blows up and theirs anti-freeze everywhere and your engine looks like a fracking murder scene.

See! Terrible, terrible sight to see.  There is white stuff EVERYWHERE!!!

Oh and don't get me started on my living condition.  Never live with your in-laws.  Scratch that.  You can live with your in-laws, as long as they like you.  I unfortunately married into a family where no matter what you do for everyone and everything, you don't get any respect from anybody.  Even if they are 6 years younger than you.

Oh and if you have kids....You will get yelled at and be judged because you DON'T want to drug your kids for them to go to sleep. Does that make any sense to you?  Probably not.

But enough of my minor stresses....What are you so stressed about?  Give me a good reason to pity you because you are so stressed in life that you just want to quit.  Because I will tell you one that's for damn sure.

No matter what I thrown at me, I will keep going.  Yeah I will freak out, mental institute style, but I won't stop. Ever.

There are too many people, including but not limited to, that really depend on me.  My body may break down and my sanity diminished.  But I will do whatever it takes to make it till tomorrow.

 

Whatever your stress is, whatever is holding you back.  Just remember, there is more to life then just giving in.  And to every cloud, there is a silver lining.  My life isn't perfect, by FAR.  

But it will have to do for now.  Just until I can dig myself out of this grave that I have temporary dug myself in.  

And once I do get out.  It's going to be one hell of a Zombie Apocalypse. 

The Mythical Happy Napper Unicorn Finally Discovered!!

So after a YEAR of looking for this Happy Napper Unicorn, I found it laying on the floor of Wally World today.

So this is my Easter miracle.  Because ever since I saw that dumb commercial for the Happy Nappers I've been in search for the Unicorn.  Because Unicorns are awesome, that's why.

It really was weird finding it though.  On Easter of all days. But I'm not going to question it.  I'm Happy! Hehehe!

OH!! And another thing.  It was only 10 bucks too!  When they first came out it was $20.  So I really lucked out today. ^_^

Only the Banana Goggles can blog about a Unicorn turning in to a pillow. Yup. That's me!

Oh yeah, Like my The Used poster that's been signed by the band!? I know, its fracking awesome!  Love love LOVE their new album. Its been playing in my van ever since I got the CD. I recommend it!

Happy Bunny Rabbits and Eggs Day!!

I have this thing against holidays.  Mostly because I don't really understand the concept of it besides that it is a day corporations take advantage of people and make them spend money on something that so unrelated to the holiday.

But religion aside. I mostly hate holidays because, never fails, if I plan it; it always falls apart.

So this year even though I have to work, I'm gonna get off work. Buy some dumb plastic eggs, fill them up. Take the kids to some random park, and throw them around so the kids can go find them.

But just my little family, everyone can fuck off.  LOL! Stupid in laws.....

Hope you have a happy day filled with candy and ugly pastels!!

I Am No Smart Cookie.

We all have our days where retardation takes over and then you finally realize...Oh shit! My bad!

Maybe its the millions (well not millions but it's a lot!) of medication I'm taking, or temporary insanity cause by stress.  Whatever it is....I'm losing my mind and now I feel like a tard face.

Seriously. How the crap ola did I mistake the 12th for the 10th?  It's on all on my hospital paperwork!!  In any case, because of it now I get to drop in at work tomorrow and try and get my schedule fixed.  I'm sure it's no BIG deal...But still a hassle.

AND I also have to admit to my boss that I'm an idiot. But I'm sure he already knows that....

BUT at least I caught it soon?? How much of an ass would I be if I showed up to the clinic and they're like...."Um your scheduled for Thursday."

Whatever....I'll just blame it on the fact that I don't have blood circulating in my brain.  Therefore I am not thinking correctly or able to remember anything.

Sounds like a good plan.  See I can be a smart cookie sometimes.

Sometimes.

Living in a Motel Doesn't Sound Half Bad At This Moment.

I fucking hate people. And I fucking hate this stupid house I'm living in. I REALLY think that living in a motel is my best option to leave like RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Fuck you assholes. Apparently I have never done anything for you. Yup, because all those thousands of dollars I gave you, all that food I bought for you, all the shit I've had to listen to you say wasn't anything at all.

And the MOMENT I finally open my mouth to say something...I'm the one that's lazy, self centered, and whiny.

I've kept food on the table. I cleaned up after you.  I actually gave a damn.

But here is a big FUCK YOU.  I'm done. Even if I have to live on the streets to get away from you.  Living under a bridge is better then living under the same roof as you.

Downhill.

I don't know what it is with today. I've been trying to stay positive and cheery and happy and stuff all day and shit keeps getting thrown at me and its making me a tad bit irritated.

First it was work. It always starts with work.  One of the shelves were broken, and of course I was told to fix it.  Well, after about 30 mins I just got so frustrated I ask my boss for help.  Well, dude just told me to be smarter than the shelf and just figure it out.

Well the teeth on the damn thing was stripped to hell and I just told him that he should see if he can fix it.  Took him about 20 mins fiddling with the damn thing and just told be to replace the side thingy.....See. It wasn't because of me was the reason why the shelf wouldn't stay on the damn wall. It was the shelf itself. >_<

Then because of that fiasco and also having to change out a display....I was like an hour behind on everything I was suppose to do.  And because I work with FANTASTIC people....I kept getting harassed.

And not to mention I haven't been able to get off work on time all week.

But still, I tried to look at the bright side and by the time I got off and went outside I was happy!  The sun was out.  It was nice and warm with a slight breeze....I got home and just sat in my car for a good 20 mins before I actually went inside.

I really hate coming home.  I get yelled at for dumb shit, everyone bugs me, people ask me stupid questions that have obvious answers. And not to mention I hate almost everyone who lives in this house.

So its only been about two hours since I got home and I want to shoot myself in the eye.  Yay me.

Why can't life be butterflies and fucking rainbows??? 

Silky Smooth!

Ever feel accomplished just because you FINALLY shaved your legs??

That's me right now. I have been so lazy about it since I got out of the hospital, but since it was so warm and it was basically sundress weather. I figured it was time to shave.

So to all those guys out there....All the girls are going to be all nice and silky smooth. Do them a favor and SHAVE.  That man mane has got to go. Seriously.

Because I like making out with a freaking porcupine. >_<

Mmm....So attractive. =P

Better Days.

Last week was dreadful.  I got a "warning" for my performance and work, went to the ER, ended up getting admitted into the hospital for severe case of anemia, went BACK to work and was told that basically even though I was sick (to the point that I was in the hospital too) that was no excuse for my previous poor performance EVEN though it was the reason for it.

Well, this week...I basically kicked ass at work (goes to show that 4 blood transfusions really gives you that extra kick you need ;] ), Got to meet The Used, got to meet and SEE Grouplove, hung out with my friends, and went to the bar AND DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING BUT WATER!!! (OMFG!! RIGHT??)

But I'm pretty happy now.  I know its not going to last very long, I still have a lot of medical testing that needs to be done to find the root case of my illness.

But I know I have great things ahead of me.


 

Goes to show you have good times are to be cherished.  And memories are made by having fun.  =]

I Drive Myself Crazy

I set myself up for disaster like every other day.  And I can't help but feel like I have no control over it.  It's OK though, I suppose.

I guess things could be worse.

Like I could be in love with a guy that I can't read........Oh wait.

MASTER PLAN!!!!

So I have this plan to take over the world. BUT I can't tell you what it is.

HOWEVER I can give you a little hinty hint! ^_^



Brilliant I know.