Alone.

So I've never really been alone.  And not just home alone.  But just alone.

It's very much an odd feeling for me.  But I will get used to it, or maybe I will find someone to fill up this void that I currently feel.

Since I was basically 14 years old, I've always had him.  And I know that all I have are my kids.  Yes I love my children. But there is a different feeling you have when it's your companion.

Someone to go home to when you get back from work.  Someone to listen to you when you talk about unimportant things.  Someone to just hold you.

It really does suck.

I get to watch my all my friends be in love.

I hate it, but in the end it will be good for me.  Because when I do end of finding someone that can deal with my special kind of crazy I'm going to appreciate it.  Never take it for granted.  And maybe be a little bit more open when it comes to love.

So alone I will be. For now.

Accident Prone.

I swear I am the most clumsiest person in the world.  I hurt myself at work almost hourly, its actually really pathetic.  It's actually gotten so bad that now people (well, mostly just my boss) calls me a pirate just because of the fact that I hobble around or limp when I walk.

That nickname started last week when somehow I hurt my knee and it swelled up three times it's normal size and I couldn't bend it.  It was sad but super funny.  And the crazy thing is that I had no idea what the crap I did to my knee for it to swell up so bad!  But I'm pretty sure that I hit it pretty hard on the metal rafter things in the cooler.  Go me right?

And now I have this weird bump thingy on my heel that really hurts when I wear shoes.  So all day today I was limping around work like a tard face.  >_<  

But even though I have all these injuries, I still go to work every day and I work much faster then the guys.  Which is really sad.  I'm at like half speed and yet I get more shit done then all the boys.

Reasons why I am Boss. Yup! I rule!

Healing.

I find myself experiencing a plethora of emotions throughout the day.   And I hate it.   I know it's going to take some time to get over it.  Get over a few things actually because my failed marriage is only the first layer of my insanity....

But I'm happy.  As odd as it is I'm the happiest I have ever been in a very long time.  I know that there are going to be times where my emotions will get the best of me and I will cry. A lot.  Because as of current....I have not cried about anything.

I'm been frustrated....
Punching stuff...
Starting pointless fights with people.....
Lashing out.....

Normal crap.

But I haven't cried.  I haven't gotten to that point yet and I'm not how long it is going to take.  And I think that when I actually do get to that point I'm going to feel so much better about things.

It's hard...But I knew that from the beginning.  And it's nice to finally see him slightly move on.  Or at least realize that I'm moving on and actually being happy and not just content with my life.

But like everything else that has happened to me.....I will get over it.

I'm going to heal. And I'm going to be a much better and a much wiser person.  And honestly I'm very excited to see how much I grow as a person.  With all this happening to me I feel like I haven't experienced enough in life.  And I need to.  It's part of being human.

Notch.

Sometimes I just need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.  I try really hard to not wear my heart on my sleeve....But there are times when my feelings get the best of me.

I don't want to be that girl.  You know....the one that they say..

"Well.....Shes going through a lot...."

I know I went too far.  I know I shouldn't have gotten in your face.  But I just get so angry when I feel like there something there.  When you look at me or just when you are around me.  And then you start talking about her.

But I'll get over it.  Its not like we even had anything.  Just another notch on your bedpost. 

Love Me For Me.

Its been a week since I've been gone.  "Single" basically.   Which it has been really nice.  I need this time right now to love me for who I am and not try to change myself for whoever I am with.  I don't plan on being with someone for a very long time.  I don't need that kind of stress.

And there's that fact that I work way to much and I had two kids.  So I really do not have time to play the field. Nor do I really want to. Dating is a game that I really have NO experience.  And I'm not really sure if I want to.  But I'm told that its something that I should try.

Words from a wise friend.  "Just fuck everyone."

Yeah....I don't think so. Maybe if I was LOOKING to contract some kind of STI.  >_<

But what I really want to do is just spend this time to get to know myself.  It sounds really stupid but I don't know who I am.  I've spent so much time trying to be someone else that I have just lost what makes me, me.

I wasn't really fair to myself and now I want to make that time for me.  Some people may call it being selfish, but I think it is going to be one of the best experiences that I can ever live.

So lets all be prepared for a new era.  New beginnings for me.  Are you ready for some major ups and downs and complete turn arounds??

Lost.

I don't think that I have ever felt so lost in my life.  After today, after all that was said and done I found myself not knowing what to do next.

I am the person with the plan. The one who always wrote down the "to do" list. I have never been the one to say "What now?...."

So really....What now?  What are the steps that I need to take?  What are the feelings that I am supposed to have? I feel so numb from everything.  Having so many emotions wash over me in one day has just exhausted me to the point that I just don't know.

And that's a feeling that I do not like.

Honestly, what are the feelings are you supposed to have when you decide to leave the person who was supposed to be your soul mate?

One thing is for sure is that I know I am not ready to be in another relationship for a long time.  I am not emotionally capable to love someone other than my children.  I am enjoying being their mother and fully giving them the attention that they defiantly deserve.

I feel so bad that I didn't give them my full love and devotion to them from the beginning.  It has taken me almost six years to realize that my son is just one great child.  And that is sad.  He is a good kid and not as much as a hellion that everyone tells me that he is.  So shame on them for not ever seeing the good in that little boy.

And as for my daughter.  I love her with all my heart. Even when she gets so emotional about the dumbest things.

My kids are my life.  And maybe that should be my first step.  To love them with all my heart and to watch them grow.

The right man will one day find his way to my doorstep.  But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not ready  for it.

I just want to not feel so numb and confused anymore.  Being so lost scares me. But maybe it is something that I just need to experience in life in order to grow as a person.

And I think that is something that maybe first on my list.

Understand and love yourself if you want someone to do the same for you.

Changes for the Better.

I have made the biggest step of my life. And I hope that I'm make the right ones.  I have done so much this past year. Both good and bad.   But with all those choices that I had made, most of them were not for me.  And I think it is about time that I do something for me. 

Its not going to be fun at first, nor will it be easy.  I will cry, have breakdowns, panic attacks, and outlashes.  But I need to have those.  I'm going to take my time to heal. Be to become a much better person in the end.  I diserve better.  I should have more.  Not because I think I am better than everyone.  But because I've work so hard to be the perfect wife and mother.  I put everyone before myself, and now I think its time to focuse on me.

I have my kids with me.  The most important people to me.  They are my life and no matter how much they drive me crazy they are the reason I stay so sane.  I will never leave them again and I wish I didn't wait so long to give them a good life.  I am truely sorry for not giving them the life they diserve.  But I'm truely trying now.

Now its a time for growing and a time for learning.  I don't think I will ever love again.  But I hope someday I will fine someone can show me what true love is. 

But for now, I think its time to learn to love and forgive myself.  There will be better days for me. 

Happy Mother's Day!

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
A Mother's love is always True.

She gave you life,
So treat her right.
Otherwise she'll give you a damn good fight.

When you piss her off,
She'll act like the cops.
And beat you until you drop.

And on this day in May,
We celebrate her by giving her flowers and candy,
And Oh GOD DO NOT FORGET HER BRANDY!

Good time!

Rock band.

Lord Of The Rings drinking game.

Awesomeness.

Respawn Point.

Sometimes I wish life was like a video game.

You fuck up, but you get a second chance to do it all over again and not make the same mistake.  Wouldn't that be fantastic?

I just feel as though I am at that point in life where I don't think I can get back on my feet and do what I need to do to be happy.  But that's ridiculous to think that way.  Every person has the ability to change their stars.  Its only a matter of actually taking the time and effort to do it.

Maybe I just need a good kick in the ass for me to take that first step further.  I just wish this game of mine had an easy mode instead of master difficulty.

I don't know.  I keep asking myself, "What do I want?"  Am I ready for the unpaved road ahead? Or am I just going to grin and bare it like I have been these past few years?

I'm told that I'm better than all of this and I need to do what is ultimatly going to make me happy. 

But what is happiness for me? Who knows!

I just need to keep my head up.

Reasons.

There have been so many reasons why I have been such an angry person. 

My job sucks.

My living situation sucks.

My inlaws suck.

But you know, one thing that doesn't suck is all my friends.  Its so nice to be able to cry and not to be seen as weak and pathetic.  They are all there for me, some more than others but I value them all the same.

One day I'm going to be happy. And it will be because my friends helped me through it all. 
I think mostly I need a reason to wake up in the morning.  I need a reason to smile everyday and not just do it out of habit.  I want to be able to really smile again. 

I need to love. I need to be loved. And then I can finally live.

Live to Love. Love to Live.

Live for the ones you Love.

Love like its all that you Live for. 

We will all one day find the true meaning of it all.  My time has not come yet.  But one day I will know. 

I will find a love that's worth living for.  And I will only live for that love.


It's something to look forward to, I just wish it would come sooner.

Work.

I don't know why I feel the need to continuously challenge myself at work.  I think I've worked myself to the bone these past few weeks.  I'm so freaking tired.

On the plus side....

The money is nice and I should be getting my raise sometime this week if I did the math correctly.  So there is a possibility that I got it wrong. LOL! Either way. Its nice to see that step number go up.  Sucks though that in a few steps I'll be maxed out.  Unless I get promoted again...And not turn it down. Ha!

Debating if I even want a promotion.  But the money would be so nice.  Then again....Would it really be worth all the stress on my body and my mentality?? Who knows.  But someone has to make the dough...otherwise we'd get no pizza.

And bitch like her pizza!

Oh and HOPEFULLY I get that second job at Tesoro.  Its across the street from home so it would be nice if I can work there part time.  Then I would really be making some money.  ^_^ And I know it's kind of crazy but I kind of miss working two jobs.  It kept me busy and the extra cash to pay the bills would be nice.

I know, I'm crazy. But hey, if there's one thing life as taught me.  People who work get the most out of life.  You appreciate whatever free time you have and you learn the true meaning of the worth of a dollar.

Hopefully, I can set a good example for my kids.  I'm the only role model that they have got.

Priorities

Too bad Monopoly doesn't teach people how to manage money. =P

Funny what people think what is more important than other things.

Examples.

Filling up the gas tank.
or
Paying the cell phone bill.

Paying the light bill.
or
Buying a new purse.

Getting your daughter's nails done.
or
Paying your car insurance.

Well, I know whats more important. Do you?  Most people do, however, I don't think my in laws do.