Friendship.

I know I am a good friend to those who I consider a friend of mine.  But friendship is built on trust. When you don't have that then what do you have?

I'm not proud, but I have gone through many people I  my life who I have called close friends.  And it seems like every year my list seems to get shorter and shorter.  I feel like when I lose a friend, either because of time or distance, I lose a part of myself.

But the beauty about friendships is that you always make new one.  The sad part is that I become cautious about it.  It's hard for me to trust now.  I try to keep my distance from people.  I just don't want to be hurt or betrayed by people anymore.

I don't think that I really have anyone in my life who I would consider my "best" friend.  To be honest I don't think anyone considers me to be theirs.  And that's completely fine with me really.  Because people that close to you can hurt you worst. And that something I just don't fancy.

Friends come and go, but the people who decide to stay constant in your life are no longer your friends. They become your family.  So if your one of those lucky few whom call family, dome fuck it up.  It's hard to win trust back.

Because I'm worth more than just to have people pass in and out of my life as they please.  And if you were truly my friend you would know why.

Just for you.

I might be nothing special to many of you.  But to a few out there I am their everything.  I am a friend, a sister, an aunt, a mother, and a girlfriend. And with very title comes a different aspect of my personality. But to every role I am loyal, loving, and supportive.

To my friends.
You guys are my family. Time has made us all drift apart.  But remember all the amazing memories and think of how all that made us into the people today.  Not one day goes by where I don't miss bar nights, movie dates, and shenanigans. We might make new friends in our journey through life, but never forget the old ones to helped along the way.

To my family.
We've had our difference.  That's a fact.  But I do wish with all my heart that whatever differences we all have and put them aside and have a gte together like a normal family for once. It's not impossible.  I just a great memory with all of you.

To my kids.
You guys are my world.  Thank you for being so brave this past year.  I couldn't have asked for better children.  You two have gone through so much, a divorce, two moves, and a new boyfriend.  You two deserve a wonderful Christmas this year and I'm thankful for finally being able to give it to you.  You guys are the ones who molded me into the strong person I am today.  You are the reasons why I try so hard everyday.  Just know that whatever I do, I do to give you a better life.  I'm truly sorry things didn't work out between me and your dad.  But think of things this way.  Now you have more people in your life to love you just as much as me.  Your going to have twice as many parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  So many people to love you. So remember you didn't lose anything. You've gained.

To my boyfriend.
You are the love of my life.  You make me happy everyday and there is never a moment where I do not feel loved by you.  There are going to be times where we argue or misunderstand eachother, but we will always get through it.  I am here for you just as much as you are here for me.  I can't help but gush about how wonderful you are to me, and my friends remind me everyday on how happy they are for finding someone who treats me as good as you do.  Thank you.  For everything that you are and for all that you do.  I honestly can't imagine my life without you. 

To my readers.
However many there are...thank you for choosing this blog to waste your time with.  Life as been crazy, full of ups and downs.  But sometimes is nice to know that your not the only one with problems. 

Wise Words.

Life will bring you down.  Fact.  But the thing about us humans is that we have the will to survive anything and everything that is thrown at us.

So for a very important person in my life who is going through a difficult time in her life I just want to say a few words.

YOU are a strong woman.  There is NOTHING in this world that can stop you from doing what you need to do in this lifetime to make it.  I've been there before, when you feel like your world is going to crumble because the life you have just last week is all you've ever know.

But it gets better.  Time heals most wounds.  You live today, and you'll live for tomorrow.

Just remember you have family and friends all over the world that love and care for you.  And one day you will find your "The One" and you will finally be happy.

Never lose you will to keep on moving forward.  I'm here for you.  Even if I'm hundreds of miles away.

I love you Cuz.  =D

Holidays.

Thanksgiving next week. Christmas next month.

Oh the Holidays...What a love/hate relationship we have.

I don't know what my deal is with the Holidays.  Maybe it's because I can only remember ONE Thanksgiving that was really awesome (the one at my sister's Sandara's house where practically the whole family was there) and the one Christmas that was worth remembering (the one at my brother Sokhan's house).

Maybe it's because during this time of year you are usually with family and I just don't really have any in Utah anymore.

It's probably because I'm homesick.

And the three days that it did snow in Utah it reminded me of Minnesota and how much I kind of miss it there.  Talked to my parent's on the phone and it just reminded me how much I love and miss them so much and that they are getting old and I wish I could spend some time with them.

But atlas...I'm here.  In Utah.

Maybe it's because since I've been back in Utah I've only had bad Holidays.

One Christmas I was accused of being a bad mother.  One Thanksgiving I cooked worked all morning...cooked all day and not get a simple "thank you for dinner" from anyone.  Another Thanksgiving people complained about the food because I wanted to try something different with my sweet potatoes.

The past three years of Holidays were the worst.  And maybe I'm just homesick because all my good memories are in Minnesota.

I guess that just means that with this new life of mine, renewed little family of mine, it's time to make new and better memories.

I still love the Holidays.  I love seeing joy and happiness all around me.  And maybe seeing and being the cause of all that joy and happiness is what the Holidays are all about.

But anyways.  Happy Holidays guys.  If I don't post very often it's because it's the busiest time of year and I'm lazy...Lol! But I will make it a point to at LEAST post something once a week.

And to my family who happens to be all over the US now...

I love you guys and miss you.  Regardless of all that crazy drama that seems to overwhelm our family.  Whatever the disagreement, whatever the betrayal, whatever....I still love ALL of you.  And if there was one wish that can make is that we all get together at least once before mom and dad pass away and take a family photo.  And I mean ALL of us. Because if there is one thing that I have learned this past year is that the meaning of life is family.  And you are all the many reasons why I am who I am today.

 

Father Figure.

November is the month that we all reflect on the things we are thankful for.  And honestly there is no one that I can currently think of who I am most thankful for right now.

And yes I am talking about my boyfriend. =D

This past weekend I was really frustrated with my Ex because it was his weekend to take the kids.  And well he didn't.  And the argument all started because I wanted to have a set schedule on pick up and drop off.  Well, apparently he had to work on Friday and couldn't pick them up till sometime Saturday   I guess it really wan't too much of a problem but it was just the fact that once again I had to accommodate to his schedule.

The thing is, is that the original agreement was that he takes them every weekend, Friday night till Sunday night.  And it's not like the reason why I want him to have the kids every weekend is so I can go out and party all the time.  One reason is for them to spend as much time with their dad as possible.  And another reason is so I can get caught up on some sleep and focus a bit with work since I work all weekend and on my days off I'm always up early with the kids and it seems like I can't ever get anything.  Like laundry....lol!

Anyways....

Him not taking the kids just makes me feel like he doesn't want them.  And if he has to work....well get a babysitter.  You KNOW you have your kids. Do what you need to do.  I have a babysitter when I go to work.  And I'm thankful that it's family too!  She does a lot more than just watches them too. Since I work early in the morning.  She gets my boy to school.  Feeds them, bathes them, and so much more.  I don't think I pay her enough for all shes done.  Point being is that people out there that know you need help understand and ARE willing to help.  And I'm sure he could find someone.

But why wouldn't you want you kids on your weekend?  Any dad out there would kill to see their kids.  So what reason would you have to opt out in seeing them?

But with all this pointless drama  I'm SO thankful Cam stepped in.  On what was supposed to be our weekend with no kids he watched them all weekend while I worked.  He didn't get much sleep, but he did it because he wanted to.  No words can express how this makes me feel.  When someone who isn't their biological father comes into these kids' lives and becomes the best father figure they could ever have.  And he doesn't just watch them.  He interacts with them. I can already see the difference in my son's behavior these past two weekends of being with him.

Yesterday my son said to us...

"Mommy, Cameron acts like our dad..."

I asked him if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He said it was a good thing. =D

How did I end up with someone who is not only so good to me but is also SO good to my kids?  I don't know honestly.  Sheer luck is my guess.

I'm just happy to have someone in my life and my kids' life that can show them what a true father is.  Supporting children isn't about just making money.  Supporting kids is about being there for them.  Showing that you care for them, no matter the distance between you or the time apart.  Being a parent is teaching them what it means to be an adult and taking responsibility for your actions.

Hard work does pay off.  But that doesn't just pertain to your job.  But to your family as well.  And I'm thankful for this little family I have now. Because without them, I don't know where I would be.

In Between.

My head is not in the game.  Why do I continuously stress over things I cannot control.  It's not my fault.  I have been more than just "nice".  I've been more than accommodating to you.

I'm done being nice.
I'm done being walked on.
I'm done being used.
I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
I'm done feeling like a failure.
I'm done stressing.
I'm done crying.

I'm better than this.
I'm a good person.
I'm a great mother.
I can handle this.
I'm doing more than my fair share.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.

You've made your choices.  Whatever you decide is up to you.  Just don't expect me to feel sorry for you after all of this.

And when the kids get older and they ask me WHY you weren't more active in their lives....

I'll just tell them that that's what you wanted.

And when they grow up and look at all the things around them...

They are going to thank ME for being there.  For supporting them. For breaking my bones in order for theirs to grow.

Being a true parent isn't just biological   Its all the in betweens that matter.

Pointless.

Sometimes I feel doing certain things are pointless. For me it's saving money.  I absolutely suck at saving money.  I managed to keep $600 in my savings account for 3 days.  That was the money I was planning on using to buy me a car.  I was just $400 away from it.

But then shit started to hit the fan and it's like one expense after the next.  But I guess its not really my fault.  I guess...

I just feel like I am incapable of moving forward.  Like no matter what I do nothing is ever going to progress in the direction that I want it to.

It's so overwhelming and I just don't know what more I can do.  I guess. I just have to keep trucking on.  Grin and bare it.  I just want to crawl in the covers and cry myself to sleep.   But I can't.  Have two hooligans  with me and I have to make sure they don't do anything they're not supposed to.  And I'm potty training one of them....

Told Liza that I would throw away her dress if she had an accident in it. Lol! Seems to be working.

Oh. And I FINALLY sent in the rest of the child support papers (finally is right).  Maybe that will help me out some.  I sick of giving him the benefit of the doubt.  Just wish I didn't have resort to it, but I deserve it.  I work to hard to not get anything for raising our kids by myself.

Ugh....

Well this blog was a little all over the place.

But I am a little scatter brained today.

Pointless Addiction.

Alright.  We are all guilty of this.  Everyone at one point in time, for however long, as fallen victim to a Facebook game.  It's so stupid and yet so addictive that it's not even funny.  I've probably gotten addicted to like 10 games over the past 6 years or so....I think that's about how long I've had a Facebook.

And now I have fallen victim to the most recent Farmville.  Stupid. Stupid. Farmville.

You have to admit....My farm looks AWESOME! Lol!

Why the hell is this shit so addicting? I don't understand why?  It's like the dumbest thing in the world and it's either you love playing the shit or you hate it and make fun of people who do.

I honestly don't know how long I have been playing this game, but I'm fucking crazy.  I will wait until the last thing has grown, then plant new shit so it's ready to pick the next morning.  AND I will time it so I have the longest growing shit is just barely planted before I level up so I can replant stuff that instant.

CRAZY!

And there are FAR more crazier people than me when playing this game.  Like adding random ass people to your Facebook so you can get more free stuff and level up quicker.  It's absolutely insane.

So why are we so addicted to Facebook games?

I guess it really makes sense.  We're on Facebook all the time...and while we are waiting for shit to happen or people to post random ass shit...we are playing Farmville because we have nothing better to do with our lives.

I'm pathetic.  I will admit to that.

Or I'm just really bored out of my mind and I'd rather play Farmville than go back to playing WOW.  World of Warcraft to all those n00bs out there.

........
Must
Tend
To
My
Animals
!!!!!!


GAHHH!!!!

Click.Click.Boom.

I think the world likes to see me struggle in life.  Otherwise, why would it continuously shit on me?  I do not think there has been a moment in my life that has been super easy.  And yes I know, what doesn't kill you now only makes you stronger.  But really....REALLY LIFE? Can I just have one day off from complete bullshit?

I'm not sure when all this bad luck started, but I'm thinking it was when the pipes got clogged and our bedroom flooded.  Woke up at 4 in the morning to Cam swearing up a storm.  That wasn't fun. And every time I tried to help she seemed to get even more pissed off. So I just sat in the other room.

And the fucked up part about that WHOLE situation was that the girl upstairs who stays here every now and then knew that it was flooding but didn't tell anyone.  She just ignored it.  She could have prevented the whole thing if she would have said something...or stopped the fucking washing machine.

I should have called the plumber right then and there.  Then I wouldn't of had to deal with minimal water use for a week.

And what really adds to the stress is that we basically got it all under controlled...our bedroom floors were dry and smelling good (because I put down some deodorizer which I happened to be allergic to..that was wonderful) and then someone thought it was a great idea to run the dishwasher at night.

It's like, dude. You serious?

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T RUN WATER! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING THE FUCKING DISHWASHER? USE FUCKING PAPER PLATES!

Smh....

Well, at least today is my day off and the plumber is on their way. At least that's one stress being taken away. Until I see the bill. Oh god....

*Update*

$300 down the drain.  Literally.  They were nice enough to put their camera down the pipes for free and the pipes are slipping apart.  One of the "slips" is about 2 1/2 wide.  Which means it could cost around $8000 to fix.  Ball park estimates.  It costs so much because they would have to dig up the pipe and just fix the whole damn thing.  Ugh...well. Hopefully it won't clog up again. And if it does, lets hope I'm still not living here.

Come on tax season.  Give me my refund so I can start looking into getting a house. Renting of course, but still. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about these kinds of things.  Land lord can deal with this shit.  Because the next time this ever happens, it better be my own house.

Saturdays.

I've had a lot of up and downs lately with my emotions.  I don't know whats going on.  But one thing that I can count on are my wonderful Saturday nights.

I remember a while ago (like a long long time ago) I basically did not have a social life.  It was pretty pathetic .  Like stay home by myself watching YouTube videos about random ass shit.  And now, I actually have fun around people I never would have thought I would be hanging out with back in High School.

But that is life. Takes you on some serious wild rides.

Beer Pong. Best Invention Ever. 

Work. Part 2.

So once again, I'm at a lost.

I guess that's nothing really new to anyone.  I'm a very lost person in general.  And air headed.  Mostly air headed.

But right now it has to do with work.  Oh how much I hate whining about the subject.  But I guess it's one of those things that is unavoidable when you truly hate your job.  With a passion. Lol.

Well, I don't hate my job with THAT much of a passion.  And honestly all the changes (basically the whole management team has changed) doesn't really bother me all too much since it makes sense to me to what they are trying to do with the store.  But what really stresses me out is basically all the little things.

Like the incompetence of others what effect everyone else.  People just don't understand the ripple effect.  When once person is behind...so is everyone else.  Every action causes a reaction and it pisses me off.  Because for one, I always get in trouble for it.  Even when I have no control over it.

But that's what happens when you are looking to be management. It's like a constant test to see how you preform under pressure...even if whatever situation you are put in will never happen to the actual manager because of the certain task that is assigned to whatever clerk.

This is probably confusing. But I'm not getting into specifics.  Because most likely I will get confused. Ha!

I guess what really gets me is that I hate getting thrown under the bus for something that is not in my control.  And I hate having to do more work than is necessary because other people are just to retarded to understand the concept that it is there job and they have to do it. But they are just to lazy to even care.

Sometimes I miss the days where I didn't try so hard.  I just showed up, did my job, and go home.  I don't mind going back and doing that crap again.  But what would the fun be in that? Not to mention I really like most of my crew and my boss can mostly be pretty cool.

I just have those days where I feel like not trying so hard.   Just throw my hands in the air and just give up.

And then I pull my head out of my ass and keep on keeping on.  

Time.

I know I posted a few months ago about the "honeymoon phase" and how I never wanted it to end.

Well, I think it's ended now.

Lol. But I guess its not a bad thing really.  Now is the time when the real relationship begins. When everything isn't all rainbows and lollipops, but the time where the dusts settles and you begin to show your true colors and if those colors mix beautifully together to create your future with one another.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that time will always move forward.  You can't go back to change what already has been done and you can't make time stand still to hold on to a moment.  You have to just keep going forward in order to learn.

Every day is going to be hard than the one before it.  There's no sense to thinking that things just get easier from here on out.

But who knows.  After getting over that blissful stage in the relationship you could find out so much more about them.  More in dept things that really could decide your future with them.

I know this sounds maybe a tad bit crazy but, I know for a damn fact that I'm spending the rest of my life with Cameron.  There's no doubt.  I love him, like truly love him.  And I don't see myself loving any man more than I love him.

So Like any other girl out there that is in love they imagine what their future will look like.  And like all girls out there, they imagine what their other half thinks their life is going to be in the future.

And what they imagine is where the interesting part is. Lol!

But whatever the future holds for me....it's not the destination that matters...it's the journey there.

Positive > Negative

I'm supposed to be cleaning today.  But....I'm procrastinating since I have this thought in my head and I don't want to lose it.

So I was chatting with a friend on Facebook about some recent events that happen to them.  And all I have to say is that I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two.  That was the happiest I have ever seen you and it breaks my heart that things just didn't go as planned.

But just because in the end it wasn't a good match...doesn't mean to just give up.

Love is a funny thing.  The more you learn about it, the make ups, the break ups, and the shake ups....the more appreciative you are when the next one arrives.  And then eventually you find "The One".

But you're never going to find "The One" if your constantly negative.  Think positive.  And having that positive aura around you makes you more attractive anyways.  So why not give it a try?

Shit happens in life and yes it's going to bring you down.  But that should not stop you from looking.  You'll find that person.  And it is possible.

So chin up my friend. And just remember, you have those around you who love and care about you.  No matter how many times you delete me from Facebook.

Get Over It.

Read something funny today. And I get the feeling that he's not over it.  And yes I Facebook stalk people.  It's dumb for a girl to say that they don't because we all fucking do that shit.  It's in our nature. Lol!

Anyways.

I think it's HILARIOUS that he says that he is aware of the fact that he knows what he did wrong...but it was wrong of me to just up and leave the way that I did. And also that we should have tried and work things out.

NEWS FLASH!

I did.  I tried for at LEAST two years.  In fact, I think I tired harder than I should have for a relationship that everyone with half a brain could tell that it was not going to work out in the end.

All those fights. Me constantly telling you that YOU needed to try harder.  And you agreeing.  And it only lasting a day until you went back to old habits.

Never wanting to hang out with my friends but forcing me to hang out with your friend. Forcing me to become something I am not.  Molding me into the person you saw fit instead of loving me for the person that I am.

Never standing up for me from your family even though that's all I ever did for you.  Made you look like a good man because I knew you had it in you but failed to own up to it.

Do not pin me as the antagonist in this anti love story.

Yes I cheated.  Yes I lied.  Yes I just up and left you to the dogs.  Took everything away from you that you ever cared about.

But think about all the shit you put me through those seven years that we were together.  All the times you lied to me.  Broken promises. The stress.  How badly you broke my heart.

You were my first love and you took that for granted. Stripped it bare and used it as your doormat.

But at least I can get over that and be happy now.  Because I did learn from all that.  Became a better person.  A much more wiser person. I now know my self worth.  I can look at you and not feel an ounce of love.  The only good thing that came out of us being together is our kids. Who are my life.  The reason why I keep going.  The reason I left you to give them a chance to grow up in a happy and loving environment. And for my son to know how a woman should be treated by a man who genuinely loves her.

So for the sake of your sanity and for the sanity of everyone around you.  Get over it.  Learn from it.  And for hell's sake move forward.

Sincerely, Your Ex.

Rambles.

So I was looking at all my past blogs and all I have to say is that I'm a fucking whiny ass bitch sometimes!

Lol!

And that there is at least 3 grammatical errors in each post. No matter how much I read through them.  It's like, after I click that "Publish" button I have no desire to fix that shit.  It's in the universe now. Whatever. 

But anyways....

Have you ever looked at or read some of the stuff you've written in the past?  It's pretty interesting stuff.  I kind of like doing that every so often and try to remember all the things that were going on in my life.

There was a lot of pent up anger back then.  And then there was a lot of sadness.  Then BAM! Super happy Stephanie!

It's nice to see the different shades of me though.  Makes me think of the kind of person I was back then and who I am today.

I really believe in knowing your past in order to know your future.  Because Fact, you are who you are because of the events in the past.  Whether you actually learned from it or not.  It's still what makes you who you are today.

But all in all. I like who I am today.  I like who I've become.  I like the place I am at in life.  I don't think I have ever been this happy.  Like ever.

But the one thing I am excited about is whats going to happen next.  I've got a lot on my plate.  But that doesn't phase me.  A busy bee is a happy bee! (Wow that's fucking corny!)

ANYWAYS.  So I'm almost at 2000 page views (Yeah Baby!) and I'm letting you guys pick a blog topic.  I'm thinking along the lines of some sort of challenge. So comment here or if your on my facebook vote there.  Which I think I should just do a facebook fan page since there are some people who read this who isn't my personal friends.

Yeah I'm that cool.

Lazy. Lazy.

Laziness.  It comes and goes. Typically.  But for some people, it's their personality.
And it bugs the shit out of me.

There are times when I feel like just doing nothing.  Sleep all day, not shower, and order in.  But I have kids, I have a job, and I have shit to do.  So laziness only last for a few hours.

But I see people who don't have a job. Don't have any kids (actually, there are some people who have kids and still don't do anything) and proceed to be just as lazy as fuck.

Now the reason why I bring this up is because I fucking hate being the house maid.  And right now, that's exactly how I feel.

Fucking Laundry.

I don't mind doing my laundry, my kid's laundry, or my boyfriend's laundry.  That shit I can handle.  It's the people who don't work, who stay home ALL FUCKING DAY and still is incapable of doing their MOUNDS of laundry in a timely matter.

From start to finish.  I can do five loads of laundry in about 6 hours. And that's mostly waiting for the dyer.

And on top of that.  I work a full time job and take care of two kids and my boyfriend part-time.  I say part time because he works all the time, oh and we work opposite shifts so I really don't see him that often.

But anyways. I just do not understand why it is SO FUCKING HARD to do your own laundry. Why is it that every week I have to finish their laundry in order to do mine?  It's ridiculous! You should just be able to do it yourself! Am I wrong?

I mean, What the fuck do you do all day? Seriously!

And why the hell do you always have so much laundry anyways?  That is what I do not get. Your home all day. Where the fuck do you go or do in order to have so many fucking clothes?

Uhggg......

This whole living with people who have no common sense thing is really getting old.    I can't wait till we move out.  Whenever the hell that will be.

>_< Balls.

Girls.

I think it's safe to say that girls run the world.  I mean, for one, they have that power over all kinds of men (except the gay men of course) because of that black magic center called their vagina. Lol.  A man will do anything to get to that.

But my question is, why the fuck do girls have to be so fucking crazy all the time.  For hell's sake I'm a girl and I have no idea why I have such crazy thoughts going through this pretty little head of mine.

For example.  When Cameron and I go to bed, we start cuddling.  Which is like the best thing to do after a crazy day of work and kids.  But then like 10 mins into it he lets go and rolls over to the other side.  And I'm like....

"WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY MUST YOU RUIN A GOOD THING!?? I WAS FALLING ASLEEP!!! DON'T YOU LOVE ME????!!!!"

But my logical thinking is like....

"Oh his arm must be asleep.  And he usually sleeps on his stomach.  It is a more comfortable sleeping position than a 130 pound body laying practically on top of him. He needs his sleep anyways."

See.  Absolute craziness.

Why can't our logical thinking overthrow our emotional thinking?  I guess that would make us men right. Oh wait....Men's physical needs overthrow their logical and emotional thinking. That's right....

Oh.  And what is up with girl's obsession with "bad boys"?  Why do girls continue to swoon over guys who treat them badly, take their women for granted, and just is out right rude to them?  Honestly I love a guy that is going to worship the ground I walk on.  But hey that bad boy "look" doesn't hurt.

Anyways.  I see to many girls around me just settling for the guys that are just bad people.  Users.  Guys that incapable of helping themselves and basically looks for that "mommy type" girl to take care of them because they are too lazy to do it themselves.

Hmm.... beginning to describe my ex. Ha!

But girls.  Your worth more than that.  If guys want a freaking mommy to take care of them.  Send them to their mother's house.  Your a mom to your kids. That all.  We carry the world on our shoulders, we don't need the extra weight.

So drop that son of a bitch.  (Yes this directed to someone if you didn't guess it) Your better than that.

Oh and ladies.  Find that guy that is going to be there for you.  Stop putting him in the friend zone.  And don't act all oblivious to the fact that he is so in love with you.  He sees you practically everyday.  Talks to you constantly.  Mind as well date the poor guy.

And don't give me that "Oh but I don't want to ruin our friendship!" crap.

Look.  Why do you think your guys' friendship is so good?  BECAUSE HE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT!

And what if he was the right guy for you.  The One. You would never know unless you find out.

So stop being such a fucking crazy ass person and just do it.

Fucking girls.

HA!

Sickly Random Rant.

I hate being sick.  It freaking sucks.  I hate that I'm always thirsty....even if I drink like five bottles of water.  I hate that my head is pounding.  I hate how I keep coughing.

Why.  Why on earth do we have to get sick?  And I was doing so well avoiding this too.

Man I need soup.  Soup sounds amazing right now.

Well, besides me acting like a complete baby....Life has been pretty damn good to me.  I have never felt so less drama...like ever.  Actually, all the drama is happening around me and I feel like I have front row tickets to all the main events!

I do find it all entertaining.  And it actually got to a point where I had to think...

"Holy Shit! Do I fucking sound like that when I rant on about random ass shit?"

Yeah, It was pretty mind blowing.  I figured that yes...yes I do sound like a whiny bitch and the guys are right about a lot of things.

Or in other drama news.  I am the person everyone goes to to let out some serious steam.  It's actually pretty cool that people generally come to me to talk about the problems that they have in their personal life.

However....why people come to me and ask for romance advise I have no idea.  I mean, yeah my current relationship is fucking amazing! I mean beYOND awesome.  But my track record is pretty shitty.

But I guess that kind of makes me the perfect person to talk to?  Since I have gone through a lot and I ACTUALLY learned from my experiences and that is the reason why I am so happy now.

Ha!

Fuck if I know. I'm like high on cold medicine.   Explains why this blog is pretty fucking random.

I need soup.

Love Notes.

Came home from work and saw this on my desk top of my computer. <3

There is no better feeling than finding a love note after a hard day at work.  Even if it's just something as simple as an "I Love You" written on a post-it note next to the night stand or a note pad file left up on your computer.

I wasn't having a terrible day at work, just feeling a little sickly.  But the moment I read that note it just made me feel so much better and now I just cannot stop smiling.  This is what the note said. Copy and Paste.... grammatical errors and all (another reason why I couldn't stop laughing/smiling).

"Baby,

Thank you for everything you do. All i can say is.. im so lucky to call you mine. I hope the rest of your day is relaxing, and you can chill out to get ready for the next week. If there is anything in my life that gives me drive and determination to never quit, its you. Don't ever change, because your perfect.

I love you,
-Me

-by the way make sure you put a load in the washer, ill put it in the dryer and fold it when i get home."

^-^

I swear.  There is no more perfect person than this man.  He is everything (and more) that I have ever wanted in a man.  He is always there for me whenever I need him.  Even when I don't need him.  Never afraid to show the world how much he loves me.  Even if it grosses out his friends and family.  Ha ha!

Never have I felt so in love.

I just feel like the most luckiest girl in the world. I can't help but feel like I am on air.

Baby, I love you.  More than you will ever know.

Work Ethic.

So I was talking to a co worker today about how stupid kids now a days are.  No joke.  I mean, I'm only a few years older than some of the guys on my crew yet my work ethic is WAY different than their.  I just don't understand how you expect to get payed, but not do the job that your required to do.

I mean, its a freaking job.  Just freaking do it.  Why make it harder on everyone else (and then in turn yourself)  because your too lazy to do the most simplest task.  

I mean is it really that hard to one, look for what you need on the sales floor. Two, get all the shit you need from the back room and stick it on a cart.  Three, put everything out on the sales floor.  Four, throw away all the nasty shit.

Simple.  Right?  Hell, I think so.  I'm pretty sure monkeys can do the job.  In fact, that's a good idea.  Hire a bunch of monkeys....but then they would eat all the bananas. LOL.  

Uhhgggg.......Stupid kids.  Just do the damn job.  And then I will stop being a bitch to you. Ha!   

Maybe.

Oh but on the bright side.  The new bulk manager is like begging for me to be in his department because I'm such an awesome working....with common sense.  It's nice to feel wanted. Oh yeah....

August.

I feel like it's been a century since I've been able to blog.  Not having internet for a month is killer.  Especially since I payed for it, but didn't get to use it.  Which was super retarded.

But just to kind of catch everyone up with kind of everything that has gone down since the last time I posted....

I currently live with my boyfriend.  Which is kind of "wow.....that was quick!" but this is what happened.  House I was living at was infested with mice. Land lord totally knew about it but didn't say anything to my former roommates.  House got condemned....Didn't have anywhere to go, so I ended up moving me and my two kids into his place.

Has anything really changed...Not really.  Only because we were practically living together anyways.  I mean, if he wasn't at my place I was at his.  The only difference now is that I do his laundry and my kids actually see us together.

It's been a month now since I've moved it and it's been pretty good.  I think it really has brought us a little closer which is absolutely amazing...or my head is in the clouds and shit just seems all good. Ha!

August was one of those months that seemed like a lot of shit went down, but you really don't remember much on all of the details because only the good feelings shine through.

Like right now. All I feel is love.  I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I love Cameron.  Well...besides my kids, But that's a given.  Duh.  But, I don't know what it is with that guy.  He just makes me so happy....to the point where when the room is all cleaned from the party that we had last night I was dancing around the room like an idiot. Lol!

But happy is a good feeling.  And with all the stupid fucking shit that happened during August, like not having a place to live...getting cheated out on money....working my ass off....not having my kids for two weeks...burning Cameron's birthday dinner (yeah...I did that. I'm a fucking noob)....that all seems like nothing compared to all the good feelings I have right now.

Life is good.  And for once it's stable.  Well kind of.

Honeymoon Phase.

With every new relationship, the first few months is known as the "Honeymoon Phase".  Which basically everything is just freaking amazing.  But when does that phase end....And why does it stop anyways?

Questions that Cameron and I have been kind of asking.  Or at least we've been talking about it and just mostly making fun of the whole thing.  And what are the indicators are when you start noticing that bliss is beginning to fickle.

How do you go from never wanting to leave that special person's company to can't freaking standing to look at their stupid face and just wanting to rip their throat out when then start talking?

It's been almost two months since Cameron and I have been dating and yeah, we are so at that stage.  Never wanting to be apart from each other....fucking like rabbits (which by the way...how much sex is too much sex?  I guess when you get to the point where you can't fucking walking straight because your vagina is sore....right? Ha! Yeah I went there). But what really changes in the relationship where all that stops...or at least slows down?

Honestly the best conclusion I can come up with is that you get too used to a person and all the little things that were cute in the beginning just become very very annoying.  But it's really hard to actually pinpoint and answer.  Unless your really paying attention.  But every situation is different I suppose, so there really isn't a definitive answer.

All I know is that I really like this stage.  Haven't felt like this in a very long time.  But I know from past experiences that there are a few steps you can take to make this phase last a bit longer.

One.  Always be upfront. Show your true colors from the get go.  Or at least let them know that you do have a crazy side to you so they can be prepare for when it eventually comes out.  Why hide a side of yourself.  It's not going to stay dormant forever.  Mind as well give the guy a fair warning.  That way, when all is said and done you can say "I told you so".

Two. Honesty.  That's a given. But be in depth about it.  Tell them your past and what you look forward to in the future.  If your past bothers them, then it's obviously not going to work out.  The past is part of who you are and it is what makes you what you are today.  And if they are scared of the future, then they are just not ready for a relationship.  And talking about the future helps get things out of the way...If your futures are too different from each other then it will most likely not work out.  As a couple you have to have common goals.  Because being on a different page than your partner can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. And never ever keep anything from your partner.  Just don't do it.  Hiding shit can only cause harm.  Because once that person finds out. Oh there will be hell to pay.  And it could have been avoided if you would have just told them in the beginning. 

Three. Relax.  Don't be so uptight about little things.  No one is perfect.  People have their quirks, their bad habits, their traditions.  All those things should be the reason why you are so attracted to them.  And how can you be in love with someone when you can't appreciate the little things? If that's the case, then your in love with someone that they are pretending to be or what you want them to be which is fail from the start.

These are just some of the things that I've learned from my past and I am defiantly applying it into my present relationship.  I know there is still a lot to learn but I think this is a good start.  And I don't want this phase to ever end and if I can take steps into it lasting longer than the average. Then fuck yes I am going to do it.  I've seen too many relationships fall apart because of stupid little things.  

But I guess in the end, if a relationship ends because of something easily fixed, it obviously was not a good relationship to begin with.  And hopefully to two people involved learned from their mistakes and become a tad more wiser for their next one.  

I'm hoping for that being the case for me and Cameron.  So far so (so very) good.

Future. Part 1.

OMG.....WAFFLES!!! Looks so good....Yum. And yes I made this all by myself. ^_^

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately.  And I don't know why because (actually I do know why because this topic was brought up last night while talking to Cameron and again when I was talking to my boss....anyways....) thinking too much about what you want to happen in life can sometimes be bad.  Mostly because a lot of the times shit doesn't go as planned and all your left is disappointment.  


I think the main thing that I've been thinking about is what I want to be when I grow up.  Funny right?  Actually it's more like, what do I want to be doing job wise in 10 years.  Honestly, I don't want to be in retail grocery anymore.  I want to be done with it now.  Don't get me wrong.  It's a decent job, I get pretty good pay, and my benefits are pretty awesome.  But I hate having to get up every morning and doing the same damn grind every day.  It's unnecessarily stressful and there are time where I feel like I'm not getting any better at my job.


It's pretty damn hard work.  Upside to it is that I don't have to go to the gym three times a week because I get my workout there.  Reasons why I've lost so much weight in the past year.  But it gets to a point where it's tiring me way too much where I get home and all I want to do is sleep.  I feel so exhausted all the time.  


I mean, if I want to be drained all the time, I'd rather be doing something that I love.  Something I can be excited about doing every day and be willing to pour my heart and soul into.  That's why I'm for sure going back to school next year.  =D


And don't just stupid sit in the class room and listen to boring crap all day kind of school.  I want to go to culinary school.  Take some awesome cooking classes so one day I can open up my own restaurant and be my own boss and actually be passionate about my job.  


If there is one thing that I love doing and that I'm super passionate about it's got to be cooking.  I think I'm pretty good at it.  And there are people who say the same things too. But I want to go to school for it because there is so much that is out there that I don't even have a clue.  And one thing that I would love to get better at is baking.  


I'm not the best baker....I actually fail pretty hard on it.  But if I can learn and start really making up my own recipes I would be in heaven.  Because I love cookies.  Like, I really fucking love cookies.  

I just really want to be excited about going to work again.  And make a mark in this world by feeding people awesome food.  I just want to start this new beginning like right now.  But unfortunately there are a few things I have to take care of first. ^_^

Stupid Hoe.

I love it when people call me immature.  It's like the spark to an uncontrollable flame.

But I think the best part about situations like these is that people will always look at the other person and only see their faults.  Never their own.  So my thing is.  Don't start shit unless your ready to finish it.

So this Crazy (my boyfriend's ex) is my Facebook stalker.  She found out who I am and stalked the fuck out of me.  Then proceeded to talk down on me.

My life is an open book.  I do not feel the need to hide anything from anyone.  From my mellow side to warning people about my crazy side.   Oh yeah and I'm very protective too.  Protective of my family, my friends, my kids, and my boyfriend.  And the shit you crazy bitch do to him is uncalled for and immature.

Take it from someone who knows.  You are LUCKY as HELL to have a baby daddy like Cameron.  He ACTUALLY wants to be a part of his daughter's life.  Who does whatever he can to be there for her and provide for her.  But just because shit didn't work out between you too doesn't mean you have to treat him like shit.  I wish that my own ex would try as hard as Cameron does. 

Yeah, I'm mean to my ex.  I understand, exes are hard to deal with especially if children are involved.  But that doesn't mean for you to rub every single relationship you have with other men in his face.  Whatever is on your Facebook is on your Facebook.  People have the choice to look at that.  But when your texting pictures directly to his phone.  That is just cruel. You do not do that.  Only CHILDREN do that kind of shit.....And you have the balls to call me immature?

Oh yeah, you can bet your ass I'm putting you on blast.  Maybe you should of thought about that before you started being all creeper status on my Facebook.

Yeah, I have two BEAUTIFUL children, I was married,  I have curves, what the fuck ever.  I am more of a woman then you can ever be.  And I'm pretty sure your all pent up on the fact that he Loves me.

And you know what.  He is a good man.  But you could never see that because your too fucking crazy.  But hey.  Good for me.  Because I have him now and I make him happy.  More happy then you could ever imagine yourself making any man.

Oh and bitch, Don't ever think I'm done.  I am never done.  You get to have the pleasure of dealing with me for the rest of your life.  Because I'm here to stay.

Epic Troll.

Now if you are on my Facebook you probably know what this was all about.  If you don't reading it would probably explain the whole thing.  But lets go into detail anyways because I need to work on my story telling anyways. 

So a few days ago I announced to everyone on Facebook that I was 5 weeks pregnant.  And everyone believed me.  It was, to say the least, freaking HILARIOUS.   Because if you know me, you would have heard me rant on and on about how I do not want any more children at the moment.  Maybe in a few years if I'm really up for it.  Probably around the age where normal people have children. Ha! And my birth control isn't up for another two years anyways so why freaking pull that shit out!?  

Well anyways, today I posted this lovely photo on Facebook and then the even more hilarious part began.  Most of my friends thought it was funny...actually all of them did.  There were a few people on Cameron's side that apparently have no sense of humor and took offense.  Why people were offended I have no idea.  Because us being pregnant affect the whole world....apparently.  

Anyways.  This whole prank started out innocently enough....at first it was supposed to be a fake break-up.  (The whole pranking our friend's was Cameron's idea.)  Well.....Like everything I do, I had to take it to the next level and say we should do a fake pregnancy.  Yup....that part was totally my idea.

Mostly because I thought it would be a lot more believable than a break-up.  Because honestly we are perfect for each other so why would we break-up? Lol! ;) Just Kidding. Kind of anyways. We are perfect. Period. And....Everyone seems to be getting pregnant now days. So that's two points.

All in all it was an awesome prank.  And we trolled the fuck out of you people.  Hope you enjoyed that bit of mind fuck.  But you know what they say....

A couple that trolls together....Stays together. 

Love you Baby!  

Unicorns and Rainbows and Shit.

I fucking love unicorns.  Yeah....just thought I throw that out there.  And cookies. I fucking love cookies.  I wish I could bake better so I could make a shit ton of fucking cookies.  And then I could create a unicorn cookie.  Something along the lines of sugar cookies with like Skittles in it.

Because you know, unicorns and rainbows go hand and hand.  And I bet if you eat enough rainbow type stuff you could probably see real life unicorns.  And yes.  Unicorns fucking exist.  No joke.  They do.

That's what I want for Christmas.  A real life unicorn and a easy bake oven. Yeah buddy.....

Random maybe? I think YES!

Happiness.

There have been so many things that could give me a reason to just give up, crawl under the covers, and forget about life.  I think maybe two or three months ago I probably would have.  But I find it very hard to be upset about anything for too long.....with a few exceptions of course.

But I think what I am getting at is that I feel so happy now.  It's kind of an odd feeling after feeling so sad and angry for so long that happiness is like a strange new drug and I'm just barely getting used to it's side effects.

I feel like I'm constantly on air. Always a smile, always a laugh.  And its a pretty damn good feeling.

All I know is that I really like this Stephanie that has decided to come out and play.   All  those other Stephanie can just stay dormant.  No one wants to deal with them. Ha!

Clean Slate.

I think it is funny how everyone thinks I am the hostile one when it came the the break up between me and the ex.  Okay, so maybe not everyone but there are a few out there. Anyways...in truth, I am only hostile because he's the idiot that likes to run his mouth in front of the children.

In short.  He said some really fucked up shit and my boy reported it back to me.  Poor child had no idea that what was said was going to make me very upset.  I actually had to just go outside and calm down because I was so angry.  

What he said you ask?? Something along the lines of .....

"If Stephanie needs money, she should just ask her boyfriend."

Okay....First off.  The only reason I ever ask your sorry ass for any help is well because I have the kids full time you jackass. I'm pretty sure they eat....and need new clothes...and fuck...they're kids. Kids cost money.  I'm sorry.  If you didn't want this responsibility then maybe you should have learned to pull out!

Second.  It is not the responsibility of my boyfriend to take care of your kids.  But you know what, flat out, he is a much better father than you will ever be.  Period.

............  (-_-)*

I have a lot of pent up anger on this subject.  It just makes me very angry because you don't say that kind of stuff to or around you child.  They are already having a hard enough time with this change without you being a complete ass about things.  So why don't you just shut it and fucking get over it and be a fucking role model to your son.  

But you know what.  That was the final straw.  Memories of whatever happy times we had together is gone.  I was going to keep those things because I thought it would be nice for the kids when they got older....but you know.  Why hold on to a lie?  

Time to clean my fucking slate of you...for good this time.

Conversations.

Ever just lay there and talk to someone to love until you realize that the night is gone and it's time to get ready for work? Yup. That would be me. =]

Sometimes the conversation can be about something, other times its just about nothing. But that is what makes it so perfect.  Beyond sweet nothings. <3

 I swear, there is not enough time in the day or the night. Time just moves much to quickly when I'm with him. And much to slowly without him.

Fun Times in July!

July is a very busy time for me.  Reasons why I haven't posted too much lately.  But I wanted to take some time to say happy birthday to both of my kids.

July 4, 2006
Christopher-Derek Aurin Rzepkowski was born on Independence Day.  And a very independent boy he is.  I love him with all my heart and he is my right hand man.  Yes he can be annoying, rowdy, obnoxiousness, loud, violent, and just plain rude.  But he is my son.  And no matter what shades of color you may have I will love you.  So much has changed in his life recently and I'm happy to see that he is slowly adjusting to the change.  Remember little boy, Mommy will always put you first before anything else.  What I do, I do for you because I want you to have many things in your life as well as a better future than mine.  Make great choices and learn from your mistakes.

July 8, 2009
Elizabeth-Paige Airilyn Rzepkowski, my problem child.  And when I say problem I mean that her pregnancy was more difficult than Chris'.  She had a harder time coming into this world but she made it in happy and healthy.  Every person she comes in contact will can't help but just fall in love with her.  She has a wonderful personality that will just brighten up the more darkest days.  She is my singer, my dancer, my pretty little girl.  My advice to you, never let anyone put you down.  You are beautiful inside and out.  Follow whatever dreams you have in life.  Because no matter how unrealistic it may be I will always be by your side.

I have been blessed with two very talented and just plain wonderful children.  I can't wait to see them grow up into their own.   They are my reasons for breathing, living, succeeding.  They are my everything.   So Happy Birthday to the both of you.  I Love You!  

One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

Ever have that feeling where you know your going forward, yet you still feel like your going back?

That's how I've been feeling with today.  About a few things really.

Mostly it's work.  I know I work hard.  And supposedly so do other people.  But when it boils down to it.  I am not where I need to be.  It's been a year since I've transferred and I should be the freaking all star.  Better than everyone else times ten.  But I'm not. And it really bugs me.

I'm still too slow. I forget things.  And I should be a lot stronger physically so I can be faster.  But I'm not.  No matter how much sleep I get.  And it seems like the less sleep I get the better my performance is. Weird right?  I function much better on 3 hours than I do with 8.

But anyways.  I know I've worked my ass off these past few months because of this stupid new program that has implemented and all I ask is for one particular day off.  And what happens? I don't get it.  It's retarded and unfair.  Since all the other guys get whatever day off they want yet I'm stuck having to work on both my kid's birthdays.

Hard work apparently doesn't pay off.  I wish I could find something different with the same benefits.  But that's unlikely and very shitty.  But I guess I just have to stick it out like I always do.  Girls gotta eat. And I eat a lot.  No joke.  It's gross.

I don't know.  I hate having to deal with these up and down emotions I have with my job.  I really do love the place I work at and the people I work with but sometimes enough is enough.  I need a god damn break and its stupid that I'm never given that.

I am annoyed to the max.  But life goes on.  I guess.

Feelings.

There are no words out there that describe how I feel.  So I'm going to take the advise of someone special.

"Don't think, just feel."

So right now I'm feeling.

Feeling lucky.
Feeling cared for.
Feeling supported.
Feeling happy.
Feeling peaceful.
Feeling loved.

And there are the other feelings that I just can't describe.

Never in a million years have I ever thought to be so lucky after all the thing I have had to go through in my life.  But I am very thankful for it as well.  Because if I have never have gone through it then I would have never been able to cherish every moment right now.  I am who I am today because of my experiences.

This past year I have loved, lost, and loved again.

So thank you to my ex.  If it wasn't for you showing me how I shouldn't be treated then I would never have been able to accept the current love I am now receiving.  Because of you I have learned that it takes both side of the couple in order for a relationship to work out.  And that I need someone with sturdy feet and a right mind to accept and love me for who I am.

Because of you I have found a love that I will cherish forever.

And thank you to my new love.  For showing me I am worth more than world.  For finding the rest of me and putting me back together.  For your sweet kisses.  Long hugs.  And beautiful words.  We have forever to be together.  And everyday with you is a wonderful and new experience.

Life has a funny way of working.  It's best not to think too hard about it.  It's better just to feel.

Horoscopes.

Something I read that was kind of interesting. Found this on http://zodiaccompatibility.me/Capricorn.html.  Anybody else agree to these statements?? lol!

Capricorn and Pisces (Me and Chris)

One likes to work and the other is hardly working. An ambitious male Capricorn will be fine with this arrangement as long as female Pisces is taking care of the house and children and schedule their activities. Their romance will be full of expensive chocolates, wine and flowers especially when they start dating. Expect a traditional wedding if these two marry, not a Los Vegas Drive-Through marriage. If it's a female Capricorn and a male Pisces couple, then the Pisces will have to offer the type of love and affection that Capricorn have never felt before in order to get Capricorn's hand in marriage. Capricorn and Pisces live for the finer things in life and will do well as a couple as long as Pisces don't get too lonely and run off with someone else and Capricorn don't go shopping for a newer, more attractive partner.

Capricorn and Virgo (Me and Cameron)

Virgo and Capricorn are highly compatible Earth signs with their feet firmly planted on the ground. They like the fact that the other is hardworking and dependable. They both are a lot less emotionally clingy than other zodiac signs so it works out in the relationship since the two sometimes need time to be alone. As a married couple, they can make very good parents, giving their kids strict rules and discipline. Virgo and Capricorn communicate well on a mental level and they do not need to compromise much, if any ,to make the relationship work. Quite frankly, it is very hard for a Virgo and Capricorn union to fail once they fall in love.

The Harvest.

You reap what you sow.  All the things that you have done in the past is now catching up to you and yes. Karma is a bitch.  But I did not do this so do not blame me. You did it to yourself.

Don't ask for sympathy.  Don't ask for my help.  Because you will not receive any of the kind.

I am where I want to be at.  I am happy.  And now, there is nothing you can do to change that.

I am not sorry that your going through hard times.  Maybe now you will realize that what you did was wrong and because of how long it went on, you can't change it or even make amends for it.

Because just like with any garden.  You fuck up once, your harvest is going to suffer.  And because you damaged the lands, the future harvest will be fragile.

So do not expect me to ever forgive you.  You put me through a world of hurt.  Time for you to experience yours.

The Boyfriend's Watch.

So years ago, and I mean years....Think junior high. Cameron and I dated (and when I say "dated" it was more like just hung out a lot because there's no such thing has dating when your that young) he had this silver and blue watch.  

Well, back then I had this weird thing about watches.  But back then I was really weird anyways so nothing new.  Anyways, when we dated I would take his watch and wear it all the time.  And when we broke up I gave it back to him naturally. 

Well last night after a date night at the movies with a few friends we went back to his place.  While we were sitting on the couch watching t.v. he takes off this watch and puts it on my wrist.  At that moment I couldn't stop laughing.  He told me that it was mine to keep. And the only thing I could say was...

"Just like old times?"

We sat there laughing about it for a good 5 minuets or so.  Probably the cutest freaking thing ever.  

So now I wear this bulky watch because for one, its a freaking cool watch.  And two, it makes me think of this story and I can't help but smile.  

Dorky I know.  But still.  Too freaking cute.  I really do have the best boyfriend ever. ^_^

Renewed.

After feeling so lost, broken, and just plain not myself anymore.  This person came in to my life and made me feel more alive then I have for a very long time.  Every day is an adventure with him.  And the more we get to know each other, the more we both realize how much a like we are.

It's so funny to think about how we crossed paths at the moment we did.  So many things were happening in both our lives and the fact that it was just "perfect timing" is still very much a surprise to the both of us.

I'm excited to see where this is going.  I haven't felt so much admiration in years.  And I really feel like I have been renewed.

The relationship is still new and there is so much I don't know about him or where this is going.  But regardless about all my fears about being in another relationship, I'm happy.

Our past has made us who we are.  And we both have learned from our past mistakes.  So maybe in the end this will work out.  But that's too far in the future for me to look.  I want to live for today....and what happens tomorrow happens.

All I know is that this is where I want to be as of right now.  Living and learning and always loving.

And even with all these new and exciting changes that are happening in my life.  I have promised myself that I will never lose the person that I am.

Sweet Smiles. Deep Kisses.

Funny how different relationships can be.

Funny how you can tell a relationship is going to work out a little better than the last even after a week.

My favorite things.


Conversations that seem to never end and there is always a subject topic.

Cuddling. Lots and lots of cuddling.

Finding things we have in common and finding that the funniest thing in the world.

Laughing. Always laughing.

Never ending of compliments.

Eyes.  I probably love his eyes as much as me loves mine.

Sweet smiles.

Deep kisses.

And how 36 hours is too long of a time frame to be a part and 12 hours is never enough time together.

Happy Father's Day!

A father is someone who loves, cherishes, protects, cares, plays, and is just there for his children.  So for those men out there that will basically give their life away for their children, I thank you.  There are not many men out there who would do so.

So enjoy your day. It's made just for you.

^_^

Goodbye May, Hello June.

May was a really hard month for me.  Period.

But June.  I welcome June with open arms, wide eyes, and an open heart.  So many unexpected things have happen so far and it's only halfway through the month.  And with every day that passes by, I become much more happier than I was before.

With everything that happened last month I was left in so many broken pieces.  But I am blessed with great friends that were able to be there for me and help me pick up all those pieces and put it all together.

And with a new month, a new person has come into my life.  Well, actually he's not actually new.  An old friend that as made his return into my life.  With his unexpected arrival into my life he brought back the light and joy into my eyes that it's almost unrecognizable.  

I'm in a good, no I'm in a GREAT place in my life.  There's no going back to that angry person I used to be.  I don't miss her. I like this side of me.  I don't want to let her go.

Honesty.

Maybe if you were honest to me then.

I'd believe you now.

And then maybe I'd have some kind of faith in this world.

Because right now......

I can barely trust myself.

Alone.

So I've never really been alone.  And not just home alone.  But just alone.

It's very much an odd feeling for me.  But I will get used to it, or maybe I will find someone to fill up this void that I currently feel.

Since I was basically 14 years old, I've always had him.  And I know that all I have are my kids.  Yes I love my children. But there is a different feeling you have when it's your companion.

Someone to go home to when you get back from work.  Someone to listen to you when you talk about unimportant things.  Someone to just hold you.

It really does suck.

I get to watch my all my friends be in love.

I hate it, but in the end it will be good for me.  Because when I do end of finding someone that can deal with my special kind of crazy I'm going to appreciate it.  Never take it for granted.  And maybe be a little bit more open when it comes to love.

So alone I will be. For now.

Accident Prone.

I swear I am the most clumsiest person in the world.  I hurt myself at work almost hourly, its actually really pathetic.  It's actually gotten so bad that now people (well, mostly just my boss) calls me a pirate just because of the fact that I hobble around or limp when I walk.

That nickname started last week when somehow I hurt my knee and it swelled up three times it's normal size and I couldn't bend it.  It was sad but super funny.  And the crazy thing is that I had no idea what the crap I did to my knee for it to swell up so bad!  But I'm pretty sure that I hit it pretty hard on the metal rafter things in the cooler.  Go me right?

And now I have this weird bump thingy on my heel that really hurts when I wear shoes.  So all day today I was limping around work like a tard face.  >_<  

But even though I have all these injuries, I still go to work every day and I work much faster then the guys.  Which is really sad.  I'm at like half speed and yet I get more shit done then all the boys.

Reasons why I am Boss. Yup! I rule!

Healing.

I find myself experiencing a plethora of emotions throughout the day.   And I hate it.   I know it's going to take some time to get over it.  Get over a few things actually because my failed marriage is only the first layer of my insanity....

But I'm happy.  As odd as it is I'm the happiest I have ever been in a very long time.  I know that there are going to be times where my emotions will get the best of me and I will cry. A lot.  Because as of current....I have not cried about anything.

I'm been frustrated....
Punching stuff...
Starting pointless fights with people.....
Lashing out.....

Normal crap.

But I haven't cried.  I haven't gotten to that point yet and I'm not how long it is going to take.  And I think that when I actually do get to that point I'm going to feel so much better about things.

It's hard...But I knew that from the beginning.  And it's nice to finally see him slightly move on.  Or at least realize that I'm moving on and actually being happy and not just content with my life.

But like everything else that has happened to me.....I will get over it.

I'm going to heal. And I'm going to be a much better and a much wiser person.  And honestly I'm very excited to see how much I grow as a person.  With all this happening to me I feel like I haven't experienced enough in life.  And I need to.  It's part of being human.

Notch.

Sometimes I just need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.  I try really hard to not wear my heart on my sleeve....But there are times when my feelings get the best of me.

I don't want to be that girl.  You know....the one that they say..

"Well.....Shes going through a lot...."

I know I went too far.  I know I shouldn't have gotten in your face.  But I just get so angry when I feel like there something there.  When you look at me or just when you are around me.  And then you start talking about her.

But I'll get over it.  Its not like we even had anything.  Just another notch on your bedpost. 

Love Me For Me.

Its been a week since I've been gone.  "Single" basically.   Which it has been really nice.  I need this time right now to love me for who I am and not try to change myself for whoever I am with.  I don't plan on being with someone for a very long time.  I don't need that kind of stress.

And there's that fact that I work way to much and I had two kids.  So I really do not have time to play the field. Nor do I really want to. Dating is a game that I really have NO experience.  And I'm not really sure if I want to.  But I'm told that its something that I should try.

Words from a wise friend.  "Just fuck everyone."

Yeah....I don't think so. Maybe if I was LOOKING to contract some kind of STI.  >_<

But what I really want to do is just spend this time to get to know myself.  It sounds really stupid but I don't know who I am.  I've spent so much time trying to be someone else that I have just lost what makes me, me.

I wasn't really fair to myself and now I want to make that time for me.  Some people may call it being selfish, but I think it is going to be one of the best experiences that I can ever live.

So lets all be prepared for a new era.  New beginnings for me.  Are you ready for some major ups and downs and complete turn arounds??

Lost.

I don't think that I have ever felt so lost in my life.  After today, after all that was said and done I found myself not knowing what to do next.

I am the person with the plan. The one who always wrote down the "to do" list. I have never been the one to say "What now?...."

So really....What now?  What are the steps that I need to take?  What are the feelings that I am supposed to have? I feel so numb from everything.  Having so many emotions wash over me in one day has just exhausted me to the point that I just don't know.

And that's a feeling that I do not like.

Honestly, what are the feelings are you supposed to have when you decide to leave the person who was supposed to be your soul mate?

One thing is for sure is that I know I am not ready to be in another relationship for a long time.  I am not emotionally capable to love someone other than my children.  I am enjoying being their mother and fully giving them the attention that they defiantly deserve.

I feel so bad that I didn't give them my full love and devotion to them from the beginning.  It has taken me almost six years to realize that my son is just one great child.  And that is sad.  He is a good kid and not as much as a hellion that everyone tells me that he is.  So shame on them for not ever seeing the good in that little boy.

And as for my daughter.  I love her with all my heart. Even when she gets so emotional about the dumbest things.

My kids are my life.  And maybe that should be my first step.  To love them with all my heart and to watch them grow.

The right man will one day find his way to my doorstep.  But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not ready  for it.

I just want to not feel so numb and confused anymore.  Being so lost scares me. But maybe it is something that I just need to experience in life in order to grow as a person.

And I think that is something that maybe first on my list.

Understand and love yourself if you want someone to do the same for you.

Changes for the Better.

I have made the biggest step of my life. And I hope that I'm make the right ones.  I have done so much this past year. Both good and bad.   But with all those choices that I had made, most of them were not for me.  And I think it is about time that I do something for me. 

Its not going to be fun at first, nor will it be easy.  I will cry, have breakdowns, panic attacks, and outlashes.  But I need to have those.  I'm going to take my time to heal. Be to become a much better person in the end.  I diserve better.  I should have more.  Not because I think I am better than everyone.  But because I've work so hard to be the perfect wife and mother.  I put everyone before myself, and now I think its time to focuse on me.

I have my kids with me.  The most important people to me.  They are my life and no matter how much they drive me crazy they are the reason I stay so sane.  I will never leave them again and I wish I didn't wait so long to give them a good life.  I am truely sorry for not giving them the life they diserve.  But I'm truely trying now.

Now its a time for growing and a time for learning.  I don't think I will ever love again.  But I hope someday I will fine someone can show me what true love is. 

But for now, I think its time to learn to love and forgive myself.  There will be better days for me. 

Happy Mother's Day!

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
A Mother's love is always True.

She gave you life,
So treat her right.
Otherwise she'll give you a damn good fight.

When you piss her off,
She'll act like the cops.
And beat you until you drop.

And on this day in May,
We celebrate her by giving her flowers and candy,
And Oh GOD DO NOT FORGET HER BRANDY!

Good time!

Rock band.

Lord Of The Rings drinking game.

Awesomeness.

Respawn Point.

Sometimes I wish life was like a video game.

You fuck up, but you get a second chance to do it all over again and not make the same mistake.  Wouldn't that be fantastic?

I just feel as though I am at that point in life where I don't think I can get back on my feet and do what I need to do to be happy.  But that's ridiculous to think that way.  Every person has the ability to change their stars.  Its only a matter of actually taking the time and effort to do it.

Maybe I just need a good kick in the ass for me to take that first step further.  I just wish this game of mine had an easy mode instead of master difficulty.

I don't know.  I keep asking myself, "What do I want?"  Am I ready for the unpaved road ahead? Or am I just going to grin and bare it like I have been these past few years?

I'm told that I'm better than all of this and I need to do what is ultimatly going to make me happy. 

But what is happiness for me? Who knows!

I just need to keep my head up.

Reasons.

There have been so many reasons why I have been such an angry person. 

My job sucks.

My living situation sucks.

My inlaws suck.

But you know, one thing that doesn't suck is all my friends.  Its so nice to be able to cry and not to be seen as weak and pathetic.  They are all there for me, some more than others but I value them all the same.

One day I'm going to be happy. And it will be because my friends helped me through it all. 
I think mostly I need a reason to wake up in the morning.  I need a reason to smile everyday and not just do it out of habit.  I want to be able to really smile again. 

I need to love. I need to be loved. And then I can finally live.

Live to Love. Love to Live.

Live for the ones you Love.

Love like its all that you Live for. 

We will all one day find the true meaning of it all.  My time has not come yet.  But one day I will know. 

I will find a love that's worth living for.  And I will only live for that love.


It's something to look forward to, I just wish it would come sooner.

Work.

I don't know why I feel the need to continuously challenge myself at work.  I think I've worked myself to the bone these past few weeks.  I'm so freaking tired.

On the plus side....

The money is nice and I should be getting my raise sometime this week if I did the math correctly.  So there is a possibility that I got it wrong. LOL! Either way. Its nice to see that step number go up.  Sucks though that in a few steps I'll be maxed out.  Unless I get promoted again...And not turn it down. Ha!

Debating if I even want a promotion.  But the money would be so nice.  Then again....Would it really be worth all the stress on my body and my mentality?? Who knows.  But someone has to make the dough...otherwise we'd get no pizza.

And bitch like her pizza!

Oh and HOPEFULLY I get that second job at Tesoro.  Its across the street from home so it would be nice if I can work there part time.  Then I would really be making some money.  ^_^ And I know it's kind of crazy but I kind of miss working two jobs.  It kept me busy and the extra cash to pay the bills would be nice.

I know, I'm crazy. But hey, if there's one thing life as taught me.  People who work get the most out of life.  You appreciate whatever free time you have and you learn the true meaning of the worth of a dollar.

Hopefully, I can set a good example for my kids.  I'm the only role model that they have got.